Darkest Room
by Creatureofthedark
Summary: Those eyes aren’t mine.That feral look can’t be mine.The feeling of hatred and rage surging around me can’t be mine.“Shocking isn’t it?It’s hard to see what you’ll become.What you’re already becoming.Hurts,don’t it?"comes after Rescuing and Remembering
1. Ama me fideliter

**Last story. This is it. chapter names are gonna be random things i find that fit. mostly in latin i think. i love latin.**

**Ch. 1**

**Ama me fideliter**

"Okay. Put your hands on either side of my spine. That's it. Now push down and up at the same time." I groan as a cascade of pops go through my shoulders. "Perfect. Now move down a little and do it again."

He goes down little by little, popping my back for me. He notices my effort at not tensing up. "Does it hurt?"

"No," I get out before he pushes down again. "But natural tendency is to tense up _before_ my breath is pushed out of my lungs," I say between pops.

He chuckles. "Makes sense. And tensing up would keep it from popping I'm guessing?"

"Exactly." He pushes one more time at the base of my back. "Thanks Donnie." I get up from the floor, rolling my shoulders. "Much better," I mutter to myself.

He eyes me, getting up too and heading towards the couch. "Why are you so stiff?" He almost seems afraid to ask.

I grin. "Don't worry Don. I was just doing a midnight practice session with Raph. He had another nightmare about what happened with Samael."

"Oh, I see." He sees me rubbing my shoulder and gently pulls me down to where he is now sitting on the couch. He turns to me, starting to give me a shoulder massage. "Another one about what happened to you?"

I sigh in both relief and sadness. Don is definitely my second best go-to person for muscle help. First? Raph of course. "Yeah. He has periods of thinking it was his fault. Not to mention how he feels about anyone besides _him_ having me."

He chuckles and I realize I'm leaning against him as it rumbles through my back. "When something belongs to him, it belongs to _him_. I'm sure you don't complain though." I can hear the grin in his voice.

I laugh a little. "Not at all. Except when he keeps me up at night. And that's _not_ counting _that_ stuff," I tease. "Of course, I've woken in up plenty of times myself from having dreams, so I can't complain."

"How late were you up?" he asks, his voice worried.

"I got three hours before he woke me up. By accident of course. Never got back to sleep. I had to reassure him I was okay, then we came down to burn off the energy he was holding in from being upset."

"Which is why you hurt so much this morning." He chuckles again. "But you knew you'd hurt," he guesses.

"Yeah. But as long as he got back to sleep. That's all I cared. Plus, he's more irritable when he's tired and has pent up anger."

Mike laughs, walking into the room. "True that sister."

I smile. But it fades as Don hits another knot in my shoulder. "Right there Don. Yeah. Wow, you're good."

"But not at good as Raph, right Lee?" Mike winks at me.

Don and I both decide to ignore him.

"I can fix more than just electronics. But this knot is near your neck. Did you not lay down at all after your session with Raph?"

I shake my head. "We sat in the kitchen afterwards. He wanted coffee, and I made some. But decaf even though I knew he really wanted to go back to sleep. And then I saw the bottle of Nyquil on the counter…" I trail off.

Don's hands freeze. So does Mike. He turns to me. "You _drugged him_?"

I glare. "It wasn't _drugging _him. Besides," I shrug, "whatever made him sleep. You should have seen his face. He was so tired. I was desperate."

"You didn't give him too much I hope," Don puts in.

I shake my head, laying it back on his shoulder as he continues what he was doing before. "Regular dosage. I wasn't trying to kill him, Donnie."

"I know," he murmurs. He stops rubbing my shoulders, just keeping an arm around me, letting me lay against him. "So that worked huh?"

"Yeah. I suggested we go back to the room. He fell asleep a few minutes later."

Mikey chuckles. "Sounds like _you're_ the one who needs to sleep now."

I nod as best as I can with my head against Don's shoulder.

"Go to sleep Lee. Raph would want you to."

I couldn't fight it if I wanted to. Which I don't. I _want _to sleep. So I let sleep finally overtake me now that I'm not sore anymore, totally relaxing in Donnie's arms. My best friend at the moment.

***

I sleep soundly, waking up to Raph talking to Don.

"I feel bad now. But she never lets me know when she's getting tired or overworked. She just seems to never run out of energy."

"I know what you mean. She said she just cared about getting you calmed down and back to sleep."

He sighs. "She worries about me too much," he growls.

"Do not," I grumble, rolling to my side, my eyes still shut.

"Do to," he replies, chuckling.

I open my eyes, smiling at him. He's in the chair to the left of the couch. I notice I have my head on Donnie's leg. "Wow Don. You're pretty comfortable," I say, closing my eyes again. "Did you even get up?"

"Yeah, but I came back for a break and you latched on to me again." He laughs softly. "I haven't been able to get up since. About a half hour."

Raph laughs lightly at this. "Yeah. She seems to gravitate towards company."

I latch on to the arm that's draped over my shoulders. "Yep." I hug it tightly to me. "Sleeping company is nice."

Raph growls.

I open my eyes to see his dangerously dark. I wave him off. "Oh please. You know you're the only one who gets it in that way." He's become a little more 'possessive' since the whole Samael incident.

Don sighs and I swear I can hear him roll his eyes. "Really? Raph, you know it will never be like that."

"Of course not," I comment, getting up. "Because Don gets this." I kiss his cheek. Then I crawl into Raph's lap. "But you get this." I throw my arms around his neck and press myself to him as I give him a full on kiss. No holding back. I can feel the silent moan he hides from Don.

Don laughs, shaking his head as I finally let go and lean against Raph's chest. "See. Nothing to worry about," he says, grinning.

"You should believe it by now," I grumble.

Don nods. "After all you've been through."

Raph wraps his arms around me, pulling me close. "No matter how long you're with me, every day, I think about how unbelievable it is that it's _me_ you want. Even out of the four of us. You picked _me_."

I turn a little, wrapping my arms around his neck again. "Because I fell_ in love _with _you_."

"Listen to her," Don says, standing up. "I have to get back to fixing that thing." He walks away, mumbling. I wonder what he's fixing.

Then I get a thought. "Are you afraid I'm going to leave you for one of your brothers?" I asked, shocked and a little… hurt.

He hugs me, seeing the look in my eyes. "It's not against _you_ sweetheart. I'll just never understand, why me? Especially after things like last night."

I shake my head. "Raph, I _love_ you. Nothing you do could _ever_ change that. You could totally leave me. You could _kill_ me. And I would _still_ love you. Doing stuff like the workout last night is nothing to me. It helps you. I'd do it every night if I had to. And as far as your brothers are concerned… I don't have the connection I have with you with _any_ of them."

"You seem very close to Leo."

I stare at him in shock. "What?"

"You heard me," he mumbles, avoiding my eyes. He's ashamed to think it.

I take his hands and glare into his eyes when I meet them, trapping them in my gaze. "Don't you _ever _think Leo is even _close_ to where you are."

He keeps his eyes locked on mine. "He slept in _our_ bed with _you_. And I'm not talking about when I was 'dead'."

I know what he's talking about. I glare at him, standing up and pointing up the stairs. "Bedroom. _Now_."

He looks at me, confused, but does what he's told. I follow him up to our room, closing the door behind me. Then I stalk up to him. "Now look here. I want honest answers. How long have you been thinking about _that_?" I all but spit the question.

He doesn't look up to me. "Since Mike mentioned it a month or so after we got home after the _Samael_ incident." Even though it's been a year since then, his mouth still curls up at the name, his voice twisting the name as if it leaves a bad taste in his mouth

I turn around, running a hand through my hair as I sigh. I feel… betrayed. Betrayed that he'd actually think that… that was something he needed to worry about. I fight to keep my voice steady. "Even if he slept with me every night for the rest of my life, I would _never _do anything with him Raph. It's not like that. I don't love him like that. _You_ are my husband. Because I love _you_. And _you_ are the only one I would _ever _allow to claim me."

"Are you crying?"

I wipe away the lone tear fiercely. I don't turn around. "No."

"God, Lee," he breathes. I am suddenly in his arms. He carries me to the bed, laying me down and kneeling over me. He kisses me deeply before saying, "I'm sorry. I trust you, I _really_ do. I just don't trust myself to be the perfect one for you."

I shake my head, looking up from underneath him. "I never expect you to be perfect. Only to love me."

"I love you more than anything," he says, kissing me again.

Looking into his eyes, it's impossible to see anything different. I believe him. Just as I always have. "I love you too."

"I didn't mean to make you cry."

"It's okay," I murmur, pulling him down to kiss him again. Then I look into his eyes. "Do you know _why _Leo slept in here?"

He sighs, closing his eyes. "No. I guess I should have asked Mike."

"You should have asked _me_."

"Yeah," he sighs.

I smile lovingly up at him. "I see how just hearing he 'slept with me' could give you the wrong impression. You can't say that phrase anymore without thinking about that. But do you remember when it was? Why you weren't there?"

He nods, sitting up, allowing me to sit up too and lean into his arms. "I went out with Casey. We were doin' our old time patrols, catchin' up on stuff."

I nod. "Do you know what that was for me?"

He looks down at me, confused. "What?"

I look up at him. "My first night sleeping without you since you were… 'dead'"

I can almost literally see realization slap him in the face. With reflexes only a ninja can have, I'm sitting on the bed alone and his fist is making contact with the wall. I wish he would use his punching bag. That's what it's here for. Then he's back in front of me, carefully taking my face into his shaking hands. "God, Lee. I am _so _sorry."

"It's okay."

"No. No it's not." His hands slide from my face. "I shouldn't have even _thought_ the things I was thinking. I mean… even if you _did_ want someone other than me, you'd tell me to my face. Not _cheat_ on me. And the jealousy, God. I… I was so, so jealous every time I saw you with _any_ of my brothers after that. Always thinking of them being in _our _room when_ I _wasn't home."

I watch him as he says all this. Hands clenched, breathing hard, eyes squeezed shut as if trying not to see the imaginations he'd had. I just wait for him to calm down. When he has a little, I touch his face. His eyes slowly open. "What are you afraid of?"

His eyes burn into mine. "Only loosing you."

I pull him to me, kissing him. "You shouldn't be worried about that," I murmur when I pull back. Then I kiss him again.

"I can't help it," he all but whispers back.

I rest my forehead on his. "I promise you. Forever. _You_ will be the one I love. No one could ever replace you. Could never _be_ you. You are _mine _Raph. And I am _yours_. I promise you, that is _never _going to change."

He blinks at me. "Say that again."

Now I blink. "What? That it's never going-"

"No. The 'you're mine' part."

I grin. "You are _mine_," I whisper.

His eyes close. "I love it when you say that."

I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. "Mine and no one else's."

He groans. Then his lips are on mine.


	2. Non Compos Mentis

**i can't believe i got this up now. i've been so busy. i swear teachers think we have no lives. anyway, here's chapter 2. **

**Ch. 2**

**Non compos mentis**

"Trust me. You _don't _wanna do that."

I eye the men in front of me. I am seriously beginning to wonder how I always get into these situations. But this time, backup is sure to arrive any minute now. Thanks to txt messaging, these men think I'm alone while I've already notified _my_ men at home. They'll get here eventually.

"You sure? I think I do."

I was out on my own tonight. Ran into Casey earlier. He headed home not too long ago. I was headed home too. But I heard a commotion in an alley below. I had jumped down, making enough noise for the group of men to freeze, letting the two girls they were bothering go. I, on the other hand, have a fight on my hands.

"You have no idea what you're getting in to," I say with an undertone.

He either doesn't notice, or ignores it. He walks towards me. His men don't follow. Obviously waiting for a signal. He circles me. "You scared us into letting those girls go. Now _you_ are here."

I clench my fists. I know exactly what he's getting at. And I don't like it. I haven't exactly had very good experiences with guys lately. I mean… I'm not the prettiest girl out there. I swear I'm not. I think it's just how small I am. They think I'll be easy to overpower. "You touch me and you die."

He chuckles, and I hear his footsteps stop behind me. "You gonna kill me?" he hisses down my neck.

"Don't think I won't," I answer lowly, not turning my head.

He laughs a low laugh. Then I feel him run a finger up my spine. "Trust me. I won't be the _only one_ you'll have to worry about," he whispers, circling around to face me, his face only inches away.

I see it coming before he does it. So before he can even process that his mouth and hands never reached their destination, he's on the ground, crying out in pain. The crack of his nose breaking fades into the night. I can't appreciate my handy-work before the other five are on me.

I take it easy on them, and they seem to take it all as a joke. Calling out cat-calls and reaching out to try to grab me. I soon decide I _really_ want to teach these guys a lesson. But the more I fight, the more I realize that they just keep coming back. And the more they talk, the more I get mad.

But it doesn't happen until one of them grabs me. His arm snakes around my waist, pulling me to him. I feel a hold on my temper snap. And a million others are soon to follow. Because then he bites down. On my neck. I cry out. But it's not in pain. It's so hard to hold my temper. Even as my vision turns red, I hold it in. It puts so much strain on my mind.

I don't want to lose it to my anger again. I don't want to do what happened last time. I keep telling myself that. But as I'm thrown against a wall while I'm still processing everything, someone else comes at me. I'm not expecting his bluntness. His mouth connects with mine as he presses against me. The last hold on my sanity rips.

My fist hits his face, then his jaw, then my foot comes up to connect with his stomach. As I land on that one, my other one comes up to make contact with his face. He hits the ground before anyone can process what just happened. They all stand staring at me, fists ready, before all coming at me at once.

The name-calling starts again. Only this time, it's more cussing than name calling. And they all come at me. There's no playing around this time. Instead of rape in mind, it's death. They all bring out knives. Only one tries to throw his. And because I don't expect that, I can't get out of its way. It hits me in the side.

I cry out, pulling out the knife and throwing it so fast, he doesn't know it hit him until he's on the ground bleeding to death. My vision begins to fade. Blackness hits.

***

No. I don't pass out. But I'm not myself either. I don't come back to myself until they're all dead. My vision clears to me standing in the middle of the alley, covered in blood, and torn bodies all over. I haven't ever torn people up this much. Except for when I thought Raph was dead. Or so I heard from them. I don't remember that time either. Nothing but blackness then coming back to see Leo in front of me.

When Leo took me away from my destruction last time, I didn't look around me. I just buried my face in his neck. But now… I look around myself. My throat constricts as I take it all in. All I had done. My hands begin to shake at my sides. I feel a rage burning up inside of me. But not at _them_. At _me._

There's a sudden sound behind me. I spin to face it. My eyes look into a familiar pair. And three others around it. But my body won't let me relax. And my heart begins to panic. What will they think of me now? Especially Donnie and Mike. They've always been the ones to hate gore. Am I a monster to them?

"Lee."

My eyes shoot back to _his_. I see concern. Love. Fear? Have I scared _him_ too?

"Sweetheart. It's okay. You're safe. You can drop the knives."

I'm startled to realize I still have a death grip around a pair of knives. One in each hand. I must have stolen them from my attackers. I also notice I'm in a defensive stance. And my eyes feel carefully guarded. I'm not allowing myself to project any emotion. I slowly straighten and relax my face, allowing myself to relax a little. But I can't open my hands.

Raph comes towards me, carefully but assuredly. "That's right sweetheart. It's us. You're okay now."

I want to go to him. But something's not right. So with every step _he_ takes forward, _I_ take one back, shaking my head.

A wave of hurt washes over his face when I back away. I've only done that once to him. But it's different this time. Totally different. "Lee. It's okay. Really. It's us."

I shake my head in answer and a way of trying to clear it. "No. It's not. Just… just hold on a minute."

He tilts his head, eyeing the knives in my hands I still haven't dropped. "Lee-"

"I'm not totally in control yet!" I yell, throwing the knife in my right hand at a box stacked against a wall without even thinking of doing it. It hits the exact middle. I shake as I try to control myself. "It's not going away," I say a little more calm. My chest heaves with every breath. Angry tears stream down my face as I see the box I hit is only three feet to his right. I could have just killed him.

"Close your eyes Lee."

I look to him, still panicked.

"Just do it."

Still breathing hard and uncontrollable tears going down my face, I do as he says. I still haven't figured out what those tears are for.

"Now breathe," he murmurs. "Just breathe. Work on controlling your breathing. Calming it down. Relax. I'm here. Listen to my voice."

I nod, my eyes still closed. The heaving slows.

"I'm here." He's closer now. "And I'm not going to hurt you. And you're not going to hurt me. You know why? Because you're stronger than hate. Instead if it controlling you, _you_ control _it_."

He's behind me now. His voice is a whisper. I feel his hands slowly go around my waist. But he doesn't pull me to him. Even if he tried, I don't think he could. "Keep talking," I whisper.

I can hear the small smile in his voice as he continues. "You are still the amazing, beautiful, strong girl I fell in love with. In body _and_ mind. I _know _this isn't you. But I also know it's _in_ you. Just let it go and it will all go away. And you'll be you again." He presses his mouth to my neck.

It's like a whole ocean clears my mind. A wave of indescribable love washes over me. My hands snap open, the last knife falling to the ground. I take in a deep, new breath of air. My legs give out on me. I collapse in his arms. I feel like I just resurfaced from the bottom of the ocean.

"That's it." He lifts me into his arms, kissing me on the forehead. "Good job sweetheart."

My eyes close as he carries me to the others. All of my strength is gone. When I get mad, it always takes a lot out of me.

"Is she okay?"

"Yeah. She's fine. Just exhausted."

"Did they hurt her?"

"I think I saw blood on her side, but it didn't seem to bother her. It might not be that bad. You should probably check that when we get home though. You can never tell when she's really hurt."

"Yeah."

He starts walking.

"Raph."

He stops. "_What_ Leo?"

"What did you see in her eyes?"

It's quiet for a moment. Then, "A battle Leo. A huge freakin' battle inside herself."

I feel him take another breath. But he pauses. I want to urge him on. But I don't want to give myself away.

Leo urges him on for me. "And…?"

"And neither side was moving," he sighs.

It's quiet then. I fall asleep sometime on the way home.

***

_I'm in a room. It's dark. There's a single light. It's shining on a mirror. My mirror. I'm in my room. A chilling breeze blows past me. I shiver with the feeling of hostility hidden beneath the wind. I don't like the feeling that's surrounding me. Yet it feels oddly familiar._

_I look around me before heading toward the mirror. I feel compelled yet repelled at the same time. A feeling of forewarning drowns me with every step I take towards the mirror. I stop a few feet to the side. I take a deep breath before taking the last few steps._


	3. Cogitatio

**I put the meaning for this chapter name here, because it could be taken different ways. there are many ways you can take the word reflection too though. **

**Ch. 3**

**Cogitatio/Reflection**

I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I'm remembering my dream. What could I have seen if I had looked before I woke up? What could have made me so apprehensive to look into the mirror?

"Lee?"

"Hey." My eyes meet his in the mirror.

He comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me to him. Hey lays his head on my shoulder. "How're you doin'?"

"I'm good,' I answer, putting my arms over his and leaning back against him.

"Why're you lookin' in the mirror like that?"

I sigh. "I had a dream last night. And I'm tryin' to figure out what I was supposed to see." I see him raise his eyebrows at me.

"Hmph. Do you know what_ I _see?"

I smile softly. "What?"

"A beautiful girl who has grown into a gorgeous woman. And is beginning to lose the knowledge of not just _what_ she has become, but also of _who_ she has become."

I wince. "I know _who_ I've become. But I'm worried about _what _I'm _becoming_."

His eyes narrow at me in the mirror. "It's not _you_ Lee."

I take his hands, turning to him. I meet his eyes. "It _is_ me," I breathe. "_I _killed those people."

"But they were attacking you."

"But I _tortured_ them!" I strain to get him to understand me. "Didn't you see the bodies?! I didn't need to do that!"

He's trying to read me. His eyes are probing mine, a confused look on his face. "Do you remember what you told me a long time ago? That it wasn't your fault, but the darkness in you."

I shake my head, silently pleading with him to understand. "This isn't something that is _effecting_ me like that darkness was to you. It _is _me. It _is_ my fault! Because it's _me_ doing it!"

He takes my face in his hands. "But you're not fully in control!"

"But my other side _is_! I have like… an alternate personality or something. That only shows up when I get mad. And… that side is sadistic. And it has no recognition of who I love. Only you reaching _this_ me is why you're alive now." I wrap my hands around his wrists. "I could have killed you."

He shakes his head before resting it on mine. "No. I know you wouldn't have."

"But the _other_ side _would_." My voice is a scared whisper.

He sighs, closing his eyes. His hands on either side of my face move back to tangle in my hair. They pull me forward into a kiss as _my_ eyes close too. As my arms go around his neck, his left arm mores down to wrap around my waist, pulling me closer. When he pulls back, his mouth goes into a half grin at my sound of protest. "Still think you would've killed me?"

My face falls. "Raph, I-"

"Yes or no question."

I sigh. "Yes."

He pulls me into another kiss, lifting me into his arms. When he pulls back, I have to catch my breath. His eyes are dark as the burn into mine. "How 'bout now?"

"I didn't feel like this then," I breathe.

He chuckles before turning around and dropping me onto the bed, smiling when I let out a little squeak at being dropped. He leans over me, putting a hand on either side of my head. He gives me a dark grin. "So, what? If you get all mad and out of control, I just have to pin ya down and kiss ya?"

In spite of myself, I smile. "Sorry. I don't think it'll work when I'm all out switched into psycho killer. I don't really have any awareness of what I'm doing."

He only shakes his head. "I don't know. It _might _work." He leans down to kiss me, his right hand coming up to trace my jaw-line before moving down to my neck. It suddenly stops short, his thumb moving over the same spot over and over again. He pulls back to look at it.

I watch his face as he studies it, tracing it with his finger. I clench my teeth in waiting for the question. I'm afraid for his reaction. He notices when I clench my teeth, looking up to me and brushes his finger over my jaw. It loosens instantly. But his brows are furrowed. "I saw this last night when Don was wrapping up your side … is this… a _bite_ mark?"

I sigh. "Well… see… after I met up with Casey and we split up to go home, I heard some trouble. I texted you before jumping down. It was a group of six guys bothering two girls. I make enough noise when I jump down for them to freeze and the girls to get away. Then the leader comes up to me."

"There's always an overconfident leader," he growls.

"He circles me before coming at me, dialogue included. Before he can get close enough to what he wanted, I punch him."

Raph clenches his teeth. He knows exactly what the man wanted.

"Then they all come at me. Calling cat-calls and treating the entire thing as a joke. So I start going a little harder. But the one of them grabs me by the waist from behind and just… bites down."

I look up to see Raph's eyes blazing. But he holds it in. He's waiting for me to continue. So I do. Though, hesitantly. "I try so hard to stay in control by my last thread of sanity. But after I'm thrown against the wall, I'm trying too hard to not go crazy to react fast enough. Someone else comes up to me and… and I totally lose it." I try to keep my voice steady.

Raph lays down next to me, pulling me into his arms. "Keep goin' baby. It's okay. I'm here."

"After that man hits the ground, they all come at me again, only with knives. And after one hits me in the side… everything just goes black. When I come back to myself, it's all over. And… I see what I've done."

"What did he do to you sweetheart? Did he hurt you love?" He kisses the bite mark on my neck.

"He… kissed me," I murmur hesitantly. I feel him freeze, but I continue. "But, it can't really be called a kiss, because it was… vicious. It was more like a restraint, and when he pressed me into the wall-"

That's all it takes. He finally snaps. But it isn't into a rage. Instead, he rolls to kneel over me, putting his face inches from mine. "He did _what_?" He kisses me. It's a hungry kiss. A 'greedy' one. Telling me I am his, and there's no arguing that. When he looks into my eyes, I see jealousy. But also love. Passion. He's upset that someone else got to touch what he has deemed off limits.

"Relax Raph," I whisper soothingly. "I'm still yours." I can see him trying to stay calm.

Then I see a twitch in the corner of his mouth and realize that he's trying not to grin now. "But you're tainted."

I raise my eyebrows. If I didn't know he was kidding, I would have taken that as a bad sign. "Tainted huh?"

"Yes." He runs a hand up my side.

I try to look calm and indifferent. It's really hard. "So how do we fix that?"

Now he _does_ grin. "By erasing all trace of him from you." He leans down, breathing in at my neck. "Smell." He touches my face. "Feeling." He kisses me. "Taste." Then he stares into my eyes. "And memory, if I can," he whispers. His face is so close to mine. I can feel him breathing on it. So close. Just a little closer…

His grins again, giving me shivers. "So how do you suppose we do that?" I whisper.

He raises an eyebrow as if asking if I seriously just asked that question. Then he finally closes the tiny gap between us. "Mine," he growls after pulling back.

I don't argue.

***

_I'm in the dark room again. Almost where I left off. A few steps to the side of the mirror. I take a deep breath, and step in front of it. But nothing could have prepared me for what I see. Not even what I had believed before I looked. I never expected anything like this._

_It's me. But… it's not. Because this person isn't really me. It can't be. The killer before me can't possibly be who is standing in front of the mirror. Those red eyes aren't mine. That feral look can't be mine. The feeling of hatred and rage surging around me can't be mine._

"_Shocking, isn't it?"_

_That _voice can't_ be mine. _

"_It's hard to see what you'll become. What you're already becoming. Hurts, don't it?" He voice is as evil as her eyes and the feeling around me._

"_You aren't me."_

_Her mouth spreads up into an evil grin. "Aren't I? You did not look too much different than this when you killed all those people in that warehouse that time."_

_I think back to how Raph had described me. And my breathing stops when I realize it all describes her. The blood running down her hair, face, and the rest of her body. The glowing orange/red eyes. The hostility. And the 'no mercy' look in her eyes._

"_You see it, don't you? I am you. I'm _inside_ you. And just you wait until I get out. I show no mercy. Even to those _you_ love."_

"_No. You will not take over me. I won't let you!"_

_She laughs. "It's too late! You're already losing your grip!"_

"_**No!**__"_


	4. Phobos

**finally got this one up. shorter than the others i think. little less velocity in this one.**

**Ch. 4**

**Phobos  
**

Waking up from a nightmare isn't unusual for me. But jumping to my feet and crying out a battle cry _is_. And I don't realize I've woken up until my fist makes contact with the wall behind the bed I am now standing next to instead of sleeping on.

There's a resonating echo of a crack after my fist meets the wall. And though I feel pain, it doesn't bother me. It's like I have the sense that it's there, but I don't feel it. A discomfort rather than pain. I'm confused by this. Is my resistance to pain coming back? My knuckles _must _be broken. Or cracked at the very least.

These thoughts go through my head in mere seconds. They're just finishing as my door opens and Raph runs in. He freezes and straightens up, his brow furrowing, when he sees me. But it softens when he sees the deep breaths I'm taking. He walks over and pulls me into his arms. "Another nightmare?" he murmurs.

"Yeah." It comes out in a sigh.

"Wanna share?"

"I'm… still trying to figure it out," I answer softly, stepping back. When I look up at him, I realize his face is mirroring my own. We're both confused.

"Since when do you not understand your dreams?" Yep. He's as perplexed as I am about this.

"Since this one." I grin. "It's a little confusing." I try not to show my anxiety that flows through me at the remembered words of the other… me. I almost shiver at the thought.

"Hmmm."

I look at my hand, flexing my fingers a little. A sickening pop is heard as a bone slides past another. I wince, looking up to Raph. "Uh… I think I need Don to look at my hand."

He scowls in thought, opening his mouth, but it suddenly disappears before his mouth closes again. He finally talks. "Did you… punch the _wall_?"

I shrug sheepishly. "A reaction to the dream."

He smirks. "Punchin' someone?"

"Something like that," I reply, going to him and heading to Don's room. I was actually aiming for some_thing_. A mirror to be exact.

Don's just sitting down in his chair and setting down his morning coffee as we walk in. Raph leans against the doorframe as I sit on his bed.

"Hey Donnie."

"What's up?" he asks, flipping the switch to turn on his computer and… all it's hooked up to. He turns to me.

"Umm… I think I might have broken something." I hold up my hand. It's starting to swell some. There's a dark bruise starting to form over my middle and ring finger knuckles.

Don's eyes open wide. "What did you do?!" He pushes his chair away from his desk to roll over to me, taking my hand gingerly in his. He looks it over before looking back up to me. "So?"

"Oh. I thought that was a rhetorical question."

He glares at me.

Raph chuckles from the doorway.

"I punched a wall."

Don's glare goes away. In its place is a look of shock. "You what?"

I shrug. "I punched a wall."

"She had a dream. Woke up and over reacted," Raph informs him. As if I wouldn't tell him myself.

"Thanks a lot Raph. I was tryin' to get him to think I'd gone crazy," I say sarcastically, rolling my eyes. Though… I actually might be.

"Uh, Lee?"

I turn to him. "What?"

He eyes me. "Do you feel me squeezing your hand?"

"Yeah…"

He's giving me a weird look.

"Don't give me that look Donnie. Just tell me."

"You should be in a lot of pain."

I look down. "Oh. So… I did break something."

"Your middle knuckle. And cracked the other one. It's a good thing you didn't ignore it. You obviously… don't feel the pain."

Raph pushes off of the doorframe, crossing his arms. "Wait a minute. I thought your abilities or whatever weakened after Nirona left. Why can you suddenly feel no pain again?"

I decide to play dumb. Even though I have an idea… "I don't know. It's even better than it was before then too. I don't feel this at all." I hold up my hand. "Only abnormalities. I can tell it's not how it's supposed to be."

Don digs around in his drawer before finding a syringe of the healer. He injects a small amount into my hand. Just enough to heal it. We've found that this works much better. I don't even feel the burn of the liquid when we do it that way.

Raph comes to sit on the bed, leaning back against the wall, as Don leans back in his chair. "So it's coming back. What does that mean? This would explain her dreams coming back too. But still. Why?"

Don and I shake our heads. "I don't know," Don replies. Mostly to himself I think. He's holding my knuckles still.

Little by little the bruise goes away. After a little longer, Don lets go. "Thanks Donnie." I flex my hand, smiling when I don't feel anything that shouldn't be.

He chuckles. "If I trusted you not to use your hand I'd make you use a brace instead. But I know you too well."

I grin. "Ah. But in the recesses of my mind are the many mazes and enigmas of things yet to be figured out about me. Even by myself." I try to sound as scholarly as possible while keeping a straight face. Then I realize it's true. I still haven't figured out the deep things about me either. Huh. How weird.

I hear Raph snort behind me.

Don just raises his eyebrow. Then, "You've been hanging out with Mikey too much."

Then there's no stopping the deep, rumbling laughter behind me. And Don soon follows. I do too, but not as enthusiastically. I'm still a little worried.

"Ha, ha, ha. I don't see how _I _could have any effect on _this_." Mike is standing indignantly against the doorframe, his arms crossed. "_Her_ brain, _her_ thoughts."

Don grins. "Even if we don't realize it, we're still effected by the music we listen to, the movies or shows we watch, or… _the people we hang out with_."

He glares at him. "Oh. So is _that_ why Lee is almost as geeky as you?"

Don only glares.

"Hey! I'm not geeky!" I jump to my feet, crossing my arms and glaring at him. "And neither is Don!" I tack on, pointing to the aforementioned.

Mike grins. "Don't like the word geek huh? Okay. How about… nerd!" he yells, pointing at me before taking off.

I stalk after him. "Oh yeah! If I'm a nerd, what does that make you, Mr. I-can-always-beat-you-in-video-games?"

He turns to me. "That's not the same thing!" His eyes are wide.

"It's like a computer game nerd. So yeah it is!"

"No it's not!"

"Yeah huh!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yeah huh!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yeah huh!"

"Nuh-"

I leap at him.

We're rolling around on the floor, trying to get the upper hand on each other when Leo comes down the stairs. He sighs. "Why don't you two stop them?"

"It's fun to watch," Raph answers.

"I just don't feel like getting in the middle of that," Don answers.

Mike almost pins me down in my moment of sidetrackness, but I get back the advantage when I see an opening. I still pay attention to what they're saying.

"The last pizza in there says she gets him down," Raph bets.

"You're on. Mike's a match for anyone when it comes to wrestling," Don answers.

Leo sighs and I know he rolls his eyes. "Grow up." Then he tacks on, "I'm with Raph on this."

Mike tries to pin me down with his elbow in my chest, but I knock the other one out from under him and use my arm to know him over. I roll over on top of him and move up so that I'm using my knee to hold him down by his throat. When he stops struggling, I look up to them. "Yay, I'm the favorite!"

"Thanks for the faith Leo," Mike grumbles under me.

He shrugs. "I saw she had this one."

Don points to me. "_That's_ why I don't trust you with a brace."

I grin.

"How old are you guys?" Leo grabs me, pulling me off of Mike and setting me down next to him as Mike gets up.

I see Raph eye the way Leo's arm is draped around me. I shake my head at him. 'Only you' I mouth.

He smiles at that.

Mike points at me. "She started it!" He turns to me. "Act your age!"

I stick my tongue out at him.

He turns to Raph. "Control your woman!"

Raph growls at him.

"Alright you two. Enough." Leo shoves me lightly towards Raph. "Here. 'Control your woman'," he repeats, rolling his eyes. If he wasn't being sarcastic, I think Raph would have bit his head off.

Raph chuckles, grinning at me. "Troublemaker."

I stick my tongue out at him too.

He raises an eyebrow at me, his smile turning into a grin. "You better watch yerself."

"Oh yeah?" What'chya gonna do?"

"Feisty today are we?"

I shrug. In all honesty, I'm just bored. And trying to forget my dream. At least for the time being.

He grins. "C'mon. _My_ turn to help _you _burn off extra energy."

I smile. "Sounds fun. Though you better watch out. I'll kick your butt."

He rolls his eyes before suddenly grabbing me and throwing me over his shoulder. "Alright hotshot. Let's go."

I don't struggle. I just give an annoyed look towards Leo as Raph carries me off. I vaguely notice Don's amused look.


	5. Dum Spiro Tuebir

**new stuff in this one. i know where i want this story to go, i just have to figure out how to get there. taking time because of school but i post when i can.**

**Ch. 5**

**Dum Spiro Tuebir**

"If we weren't around _them_, I would have said something about biting your tongue _off_."

I chuckle quietly. "I'll remember that next time I stick my tongue out at you. You ready?"

"Yes," he says mischievously. "Remember that."

Then I see his eyes glow as he moves into where the moonlight can touch them on the other side of the roof. "Move in."

I laugh darkly. "Fun time."

We leap at the same time. They have no idea what hit them. No. We don't use our weapons. We just knock them out. Five is no problem for us. Then we head in. Opposite ways again. He goes through the front door. Me? I get to go through the windows. Then I wait up on the catwalk. I'm just backup and surveillance today. How disappointing.

"You sure you don't need any help?"

I hear him laugh quietly on the other end. "This is killing you isn't it?"

"It is."

"Hmmm."

I tilt my head at the sound. Is he frowning? "What?"

"Nothing."

He answered it too fast, but I let it go. Best to let him concentrate right now.

"So how is this thing hooked up again?"

I hear something break on the other end. I roll my eyes. "You couldn't have taken the time to unscrew the screws?" I lean against the wall, closing my eyes and getting comfortable.

"Takes too long. So how is this thing hooked up?"

"Color coded them for you. Red to red, black to black, and so on."

"Don's done this before."

I nod to myself. "Yeah." He told me. He's not proud of stealing. But it's to take care of us. Or… them rather, when he did it last time. I wanted to do it this time. Because he said he didn't want to steal. And of course when I said so, Raph had to come too. And he took over.

I hear a whoosh of air in the speaker. Then, "Door's open."

That code-breaker Don made is awesome. No more alarm keypad trouble. "Just grab what he needs and let's go."

He chuckles. "Getting nervous?"

"Yes. I'm not there to protect you."

He snorts. "Yeah. Right."

I grin.

I listen to him get everything and the door close behind him. The keypad snaps when it's put back into place. Then it's quiet. I smile, my eyes still closed, when I sense him in front of me. "You're very quiet."

"I can be if I want to. How'd you know I was here?"

"I felt you." I open my eyes to see him crouched in front of me.

"Really?"

I grin. "Cool, huh?"

He smirks. "Huh." He takes my hand, pulling me to my feet. "C'mon. Let's go before someone finds out we're here."

I nod. "Yeah."

***

The truth is, sensing him scared me. I only used to be able to do that when meditating. And only recently haven't needed Leo's help. So I wonder what Raph thinks. If he guessed. I'm scared to death he'll find out more of what's going on with me. I don't want to tell him.

Why? I don't know. Maybe I'm hoping it'll all go away. That I'm worried about nothing. But I doubt it. And I want Raph and the others to treat me normally. Not like a psycho barely keeping herself from going insane and letting her dark side loose to massacre her family. I don't want to be seen as a threat. I don't want to be put in the same category as our enemies.

I flinch at that thought. Raph's arm automatically tightens around me. This makes me smile. Even in sleep, he still notices and reacts to my discomforts. I snuggle closer to him, breathing in. The smell, completely Raph, calms me. I'm finally able to relax my tense muscles. A wave of serenity washes over me.

As my eyes close, I promise myself something. No matter what, I _will_ protect my family. Whether from other dangers, or myself. I'll do whatever I can to keep them safe. No matter what that entails. Because I love them. And they mean more to me than my own life. And they always will. Even if I have to fight myself.

***

"_Why? Why now? Why me? Why at all?"_

_Nirona stands before me. Her face is one of great sadness. "I don't know. None of us do. Maybe you just have a dark side to yourself."_

"_But it's using the powers _you_ gave me! What if I kill my family?!"_

_She looks away. "Then it will be our fault."_

_I fall to my knees. The use of 'will' did not escape me. "So it's possible.'_

_She nods sadly. "It is. I can see its hold on you."_

"_It's getting stronger," I state. "So that's it then?"_

"_No!" Her eyes are suddenly fierce. "You must fight it! You could still win!"_

"_And if I don't? If it totally takes over? What do I have to do?"_

"_The only way to stop it would be to…" She trails off, turning around._

"_What?!"_

"_To kill you."_

_I can just stare at her. So that _is_ it. After it takes over, it's over for me. I'll have to die. "Any special way?" I choke out. "To… to kill me for sure?"_

"_Straight through the heart," she whispers. "Straight through the heart."_

_I nod absently, though her back is still to me. "So when it takes over, I have no say. It traps me. Like that darkness did to Raph."_

"_Yes."_

"_But it _is_ part of me." I slowly push myself up to my feet._

"_Yes. This isn't like the time with Raphael. It's another side to you. It can't go away. And it's getting stronger."_

"_How long do I have."_

_She turns back to me. "That's up to you."_

"_Any guesses?" I plead._

_She closes her eyes. After a while, she slowly opens them again. "No more than two weeks."_

_My breath is knocked out of me. I'm falling. I never hit the ground._

***

I wake up from the feeling of falling, jerking to an upright position, my hand on my heart. I have trouble breathing, but quiet it in hopes of not waking Raph. But it's too late. He's already aware of my distress. He puts an arm around me as he sits up and I turn to him, my breathing already returning to normal. But when I look into his eyes, a new wave of emotion washes over me.

Two weeks. That's all I have with him. And I can only imagine what it'd be like for him after I am killed. But right now, my heart is in agony. All I can think of is how short our time is. And when our eyes meet, I realize he has no idea. And I'll have to keep it that way. But I want to show him how much I love him. So I do.

I throw my arms around him, kissing him with all I have. He returns it, but eventually pulls back. This confuses me, but I slowly loosen up enough to see him breathing hard.

"You should talk about it Lee. Not cover it up."

I gotta hand it to him. He's amazing. He wants to make sure I'm okay even though I know he wants me to continue. But right now, this just makes me want him even more. Reminds me just how awesome he is. So I pull myself to him and kiss him again. "This isn't a reaction to my dream," I get out before kissing him again.

"It's not?" He pulls me closer now.

I smile against his lips. I talk between kisses. "Not directly. I just love you so much." I feel his strong arms go all the way around me, pulling me as close to him as possible.

"God, Lee."

My heart feels like it's going to rip out of my chest. I can only whisper a strangled, "I love you," before most of my coherent thoughts are taken away.

***

I'm not like Leo. I don't like to shut myself in a room when I meditate. I'm calmer outside. I like to make everything disappear layer by layer. From cars, to everyday city sounds, to voices, to animals, and finally, wind. It all disappears. And then I am calm. Eventually, even my heartbeat fades out of focus. And then there is nothing.

This is what I do when I feel like everything is out of control. It's how I handle my stress and fear. Right now though, it's how I let go of all my hidden emotions. As everything fades out, tears start to fall. I no longer feel as if I have to hold anything back. So I don't. But with that comes anger. Anger at myself. For not being stronger.

I jerk out of my reverie when my emotions get too strong for me to handle. I unclench my hands and wipe away the tears, trying to get back to my normal self. I feel someone coming. As they get closer, I find out it's Mikey. I'm confused, but I don't show it. I go back into meditation, but keep my senses aware this time.

He sits next to me when he gets here, leaning against the wall with me. He doesn't bother me, but eventually starts running his fingers through my hair. This makes me smile. When I open my eyes and look out of the corners, he grins at me.

"What's up Leelee?" His voice is calm. Not playful like it usually is when he calls me that. He's sincerely asking what's wrong.

I feel horrible. I can't tell him. Especially not him. He doesn't need to think about that. "Nothing really. Just wanted to sit where it's quiet for a while."

He snorts.

I look to him, perplexed. "What?"

"That just gave you away. It _is_ quiet at home. Everyone's asleep."

I blink. "Oh." I hadn't thought of that.

He grins, putting his arm around me. "So what's really up?"

I sigh, resting my head on his shoulder. "I'm having this dream…"

"And it's bothering you."

I nod.

"But you don't want to talk about it."

I grimace.

"Why?"

"I knew you were going to ask that."

He laughs a little. "So?"

I sigh. "I don't want you guys to worry about it."

"It's bad?"

"Kind of. But… I'm hoping it isn't real. Like I'm overreacting."

"Hmmm. You shouldn't be afraid of worrying us. We'd like to help." He rubs my arm.

"I know. But… it's more like… I don't _want_ you to know." I shift so that I'm looking up at him to see his head cocked to the side.

He looks down to me. "Why?"

I rest my head against his shoulder again, sighing. "I haven't figured out what it means yet."

_Liar._

I freeze at the voice.

Mikey doesn't notice. He's still trying to figure me out. Then he decides to let it go. "But you'll tell me when you know, right?"

"You'll know when I do."

_Yeah, he'll know all right._

I clench my teeth, but other than that show no sign that anything happened.

"Just don't tell us too late to help."

I almost flinch. Almost.

He kisses me on the head before standing up. "I better get home. It'd probably be a good idea to tell Raph where you are."

"Yeah. Tell him please."

He nods. "See you when you come home."

I only nod, already miles away. I just got calm, and I'm already freaking out again. Now I'm hearing _her _voice inside my head. It could be from lack of sleep, right? Two hours isn't much considering I haven't been sleeping well all week. I should be passing out. But still. Hearing voices? Am I going insane? Or…

I stop breathing. Or is she that strong now?

I have a panic attack.


	6. Credence

**the title for this chapter was actually a vocab word for english. haha. I just like the way it sounded. and... i think it fit this chapter. I think there'll be another chapter named after another word. if i write it how i want it to go. anyway, here's the next chapter.**

**Ch. 6**

**Credence**

Raph had come up to find me minutes after I had calmed myself down again. He asked why I was up there so early. I answered with something better than I told Mike. That I wanted to relax outside. But he has no idea how long I was actually up there. And I decide to keep it that way, seeing how he doesn't need to worry about sleep when sleep is the least of my problems lately. Definitely low on my list of priorities.

Right now though, he's staring at me, his eyes wide, and mouth hanging open. "What?"

"Could I stay home tonight?"

I can see why he'd be surprised. I've only _wanted_ to go out on their patrols with them. And this is the first time I've ever not wanted to. Yeah, I can see where he's coming from, but still. He needs to stop looking at me like that. I don't like feeling weird.

I start to glare at him. "I'm not feeling that great, okay?"

He blinks, composing himself. 'Bout time. "Sorry. I'm just… confused."

I roll my eyes. "I'm not going crazy. I just don't feel that great today."

He frowns. "Hmmm." He puts his arm around me, steering me upstairs. I know where we're going. Donnie's room.

I put up with the check. I know Raph's worried, because he doesn't usually make me do this unless I have a fever or something. So I'm not annoyed. I'm just wondering what I'm going to say when he says nothing's wrong with me. Because there isn't.

"Well, you seem to be fine to me." See. Don's not stupid. Somtimes I think it'd be easier if he was.

"I just don't feel good. Maybe it's the lack of sleep."

"Hmmm. If I didn't know you better, I'd say it's all in your head."

_You have no idea._

_Shut up!_ I have to clench my teeth to keep from yelling it out loud.

I shrug. "Maybe. But I seriously don't feel like I should go out tonight. I'd just end up getting into trouble with my luck."

Don grins. "Whether you feel fine or not, I think a break would be a good idea. And I have noticed you being a little tired."

"C'mon. I'll talk to Leo."

Raph leads me out, but I go back and listen outside the door when I notice he went back in instead of going to Leo's room.

"Yes, it's good for her to rest. I've been buggin' her to."

"Then what's the problem?"

"Doesn't it seem weird to you that after never wanting to stay behind, she asks to stay behind when she isn't really sick?"

"Maybe. But think about it Raph. She's been doing this a long time. Maybe she's ready to relax. This isn't all she's ever known. Maybe it was exciting when it was new. But it might not be anymore."

It's quiet. I'm worried that Raph will take that the wrong way. That I was getting tired of _him_ too. Don's wrong on both accounts, but I don't think he really thinks that. His voice sounds too… passive. Like he's making it up. He probably is.

"You think she's getting bored?"

Don sighs. "I don't know. It's just a guess. She _is_ human. She could do so much more. Go so many places. I just think she has a lot on her mind right now."

He has one thing right.

To be safe, I go ahead and silently go to the dojo. I start going through katas, using them as a way to not think of anything else. I've been trying not to think a lot lately. Always trying to keep busy or meditate. I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts.

_With me_, the voice corrects.

I grit my teeth and try to push it away. It recedes, though not willingly. And when I finish, I have the satisfaction of still being stronger. I turn to Don when he walks in the door. "Hey."

"Hey."

"Where's Raph?"

He shrugs. "Talking to Leo."

"Still?"

He shrugs again.

"Leo thinks I'm weird too."

He sighs. "No. Not weird. Just… acting different."

I sigh. "Look. I'm not going crazy!" I stop short. Then correct myself. "At least… I don't think I am. I hope not." I look back to Don to see him frowning.

"What's really wrong Lee?"

I think a second. Then suddenly, I decide I want help. And who better to talk to than my awesomely smart Donnie. Before I can think it through anymore, it's out of my mouth.

"Donnie… I need help."

I see realization in his eyes. The realization that he was close when he said I had a lot on my mind. "I'll see what I can come up with to stay down here with you tonight."

Relief floods through me. I'm finally going to be able to talk to someone. And hopefully they'll be able to help me. A smile spreads across my face. "Thanks Donnie."

He smiles. "I haven't seen that smile in a long time it feels like."

I smile more. "It feels good."

He smiles back. "There's gotta be _some_ reason why Mike does it all the time."

I grin. "And I'm glad for that."

He chuckles. "Yeah. I think we all are at some point." He puts his arm around me when I walk up to him. "C'mon. Relax for once."

***

I don't know _what _he broke. I just know he broke something. A very critical piece to our electricity. The one person in this place that's never broken anything, breaks something to the point of hours of repair. On purpose. Though, they don't know that. But he's got a secret. He's not repairing it. Just replacing it, then talking to me the rest of the time he has free. So becomes his excuse to stay down here.

I laughed after everyone left and he told me. He had replaced it and now we're sitting in his room, relaxing against the wall, turned towards each other on his bed. And I'm trying to figure out what to say without sounding like I am going crazy. Because I can't be. People who are crazy don't know they're crazy. Do they?

"I'm having another dream, Donnie. But this time, instead of being about you guys, it's about me. And… I don't like it. But I don't know what to do."

"What's it about?"

I sigh. "That's my problem. I… don't want to tell you." I look down at my hands in my lap.

"Why?"

"It's nothing you can change. And I think it'd be better for it to happen unexpectedly than for any of you to know about it ahead of time and worry though it won't help."

"But what if we _could_ help?"

I shake my head. "You can't. You can't change what's inside me."

I look up to see him staring intensely at me. "This isn't about your 'dark side' is it?"

I grit my teeth. "Yes. But Don, it's not-"

"Lee, it's not like you make it out to be. So you lost your temper. It's not like-"

"I talked to Nirona."

Don freezes.

"It was like… a telepathic connection. She talked to me in my dream. And this 'dark side' of mine isn't just in my head. It's real."

He eyes me. "What's the rest?"

I wince.

"Lee…"

I hold up a finger. Then look up to meet his eyes. "You sure you wanna know? You might regret it later."

"Yes."

I look away. "She's like an alternate personality or something and she's getting stronger. I can _hear_ her now."

"Wait a minute. _She_?"

I lock on to his gaze. "Yes. She. Me, but not me. Darker. Meaner. The one who took over all the times I've done something like the other night. I black out when she takes over, but now I can hear her sometimes when I'm _not_ mad." My hands start shaking. "She's getting stronger Donnie."

"Hey, hey." He takes my hands. "Look at me." I do. "She's not going to take over."

"Yes, she is."

"How are you so sure? How do you know you won't be able to keep it away?"

My eyes water. "Because I asked Nirona. How strong it is. I asked her how long I have."

His shoulders slump. "How long?"

The tears overflow when I hear his voice. "Less than two weeks."

He blinks, leaning back in shock. "How long?" His voice is only a whisper.

"Just... two weeks."

"That's it?"

I nod.

"Then what? What happens?"

I shake my head, wiping my tears away. "It's all up to her. But… she's evil. She'll kill anyone she sees. She won't care."

"But… what do we do? We can't let her…_ it_… kill anyone."

"You can't let her kill _you_!" I get on my knees and take his face in my hands. "I'm around you guys ninety percent of the time. You'll be the first. Don't hesitate. Don't let her kill you!"

"What are _we _supposed to do?! How are _we_ supposed to stop her?" He takes my hands into his.

I sink back to sitting on my feet. "She's another side of me that's been hiding. She _is_ me. So the only way to stop _her_, is to… stop me."

I knew he wouldn't like that. He just sits there, staring at me, eyes wide and mouth partly open. Then he talks. Well… tries to. It comes out in mostly _parts_ of sentences. I wait tensely as he tries to get at least one coherent sentence out. He suddenly stops talking, takes a deep breath, and gets out one word. "No."

I sigh. "It's the only way Donnie."

"But…"

"I'm not asking now. I don't know when it will be. And I won't let it be you. But it's what's going to happen. And it has to be done."

"What do you mean you 'won't let it be me'?"

"I won't let you be the one who does it." I smile softly. "You wouldn't be able to handle it."

"I wouldn't be able to do it at all," he corrects.

"I know."

I can see he wants to ask who I think would do that. But he doesn't. I sigh a hidden sigh of relief. I don't want to talk about it anymore. He takes my hand, pulling me to my feet. "C'mon. Better have things looking normal for when they get home."

It pains me when I realize his voice is soft. It's heavy with all I've told him, and I can tell he won't have a good night sleeping. But it feels good to have someone else know. But I also didn't want this. To make Don sad with the knowledge that his sister has less than two weeks to live.


	7. Hated Lies

**an acutally normal title. but... only because i couldn't think of anything else. i edited this quite a few times. next chapter should have an interesting turn to it. no action scenes for a while. but don't worry. it's not going to be boring. all action and no plot gets a little boring sometimes. i thought about that before i started writing this story thanks to a conversation with my awesomely awesome boyfriend who i am so glad i found because he likes to read. lol**

**Ch. 7**

**Hated Lies**

He hugs me when we get to the living room. He's shaking a little. I hug him back as strong as I can. "I'm sorry for telling you."

"No. It's okay. I'm glad I know. I love you Lee. Whether it's two weeks or not, know that."

"I do, Donnie. I love you too."

We stay like that for who knows how long. When we finally separate, he kisses me on the forehead. And I suddenly have to fight back a wave of emotion. As I sit down with him on the couch, I realize this is the first time I've felt that strong of love from one of my brothers. Transferred through that simple kiss on the forehead, I felt the same strength of love I feel from Raph everyday.

It's not the same kind of love. From Raph to me it's like two hearts found their completion. Their other half. What just happened was two hearts meeting together, touching for a single moment, close enough to feel the strength of love towards each other. And I realize I love my family just as much as Raph, though in a different way. I would never be able to choose between the two. Because they're the same.

I don't know how long I have left, but I might as well make the best of it. I might as well spend as much time with my family as possible. So that's what I do. I curl up next to Don on the couch, watching whatever he wants to watch. I sigh. Though there's the fear I'm burdening someone else with it, a great weight has just been lifted off my shoulders.

Finally at ease, I'm able to finally get to sleep. Donnie wakes me up when the others get home.

"Lee, they're home."

I don't open my eyes. "Anything exciting happen tonight?" I mumble.

"Nope. Quiet night," Mike answers.

"Raph?"

"Right here, sweetheart." I hear him in front of me.

I reach out my arms. "Carry me."

He chuckles. "Tired huh?"

"Hey. I needed sleep."

Don backs me up. "I swear she's been practically dead for the past five hours. I've never seen her in such a deep sleep."

Raph picks me up. I wrap my arms around his neck and tuck my head under his chin. He sighs. "I haven't noticed her not sleeping."

"Keep an eye on her," Don murmurs. "Make sure she gets sleep. Something tells me she needs it."

"I will." He carries me upstairs.

I curl up into a ball when he lays me down and covers me up, listening to him put his stuff away before he lays down next to me. I uncurl and scoot closer to him, instantly warming up again as he re-covers me up, sighing when his arms go around me. "Love you," I murmur.

"Love you too sweetheart."

Then I'm asleep again.

***

"_How can I hear you? And how can I talk to you? I feel like I'm one of those crazy people who talk to voices in their heads!"_

_She chuckles. "Are you not able to read minds? So can I. Which reminds me. You explained me wrong to him. I'm not an alternate personality. I'm just another side of yours. Another side of you. So why should I not be able to read minds too? We just communicate that way."_

"_I'd rather not put you in the same category as me." _

_We're standing across from one another, face to face. She is no longer a mirror, and I see that even the way she stands spells 'hunter'. Could this have been what I looked like that night in that warehouse when I slaughtered all those people?_

_She laughs, the shrill sound echoing in the room. "There's no helping that. You cannot separate me from you. We are the same person."_

"_You are _not_ me!"_

"_But I am. I don't care for the idea of killing myself. Too bad we can't live peacefully together. But your good side is just too… good for me." She shivers. "Too kind."_

"_So why don't you just stay where you are?" I plead. "I don't want to die yet."_

_She shrugs, not caring one bit about me. "I'm bored." She smiles a smile you'd expect to see on a demon._

_I grind my teeth together. "_Bored_! You want to ruin my life because you're _bored?_!"_

_She grins. "It'll be fun." Her eyes flash and I have to keep myself from wincing._

_My hands clench at my sides. "I would love to kill you right now."_

_She grins. "Too bad you can't."_

"_You're _lucky_ I can't."_

_Her eyes are suddenly bright, the orange color giving her the look of the possessed. "I'm going to have so much fun killing everyone when I get free."_

_I know she's hinting at my family. I swing my fist. It never reaches its target. Instead, the snapping of bones is heard, followed by pain shooting up my arm. I fall to my knees as I cry out, gripping my arm with my left hand, my right still within her fist. I look up to her to see her eyes turning red, flashing with her sick happiness in putting me down._

"_I'm getting stronger. So you better watch out."_

***

I wake up screaming into my pillow. I sit up, clutching at my hand that still has a phantom feeling of its bones cracking. I clench my teeth, holding my breath as I wait for the pain to subside. I take uneven, ragged breaths when the pain goes away enough for me to finally be able to breathe again. As the pain slowly dims to nothing again, I have a thought. I _felt_ that pain. I could _feel_ it. But what does that mean?"

I reach over to the table by the bed to get Raph's sai. I carefully slide the tip over the palm of my hand. Adding a little pressure halfway through, the blade goes slightly into my hand, creating a tiny cut, blood already making its way out. But I can't feel it. At all. I think about this a moment, cleaning off Raph's sai and setting it down before going to the bathroom to clean up my hand.

I pour peroxide over it, wiping it clean. It's already stopping, so I don't bother doing anything else. But walking back to the room, I ponder this. I can't feel pain. But I did in my dream. And when I woke up, I could still feel it. So does this mean that my brain hasn't processed the fact that I don't feel pain enough to be the same in my dreams? Or does it go with what _she _said? That… she's getting stronger. And I can feel the control she's getting. Not just over my mind, but my body too.

"Oh God."

I sit down on the edge of my bed, hands falling into my lap as I stare off into space. It's been a week since that talk with Nirona. The most I have is seven days. And those seven days are sure to be hard. Not that they haven't been already. But they're going to get harder. I have no doubt she's getting restless. Especially after my dream.

Don has valiantly been hiding his sadness and apprehension. At least when someone's around. I notice (though he thinks I don't) that he just studies me sometimes. Well… not really studies. Just looks. As if committing whatever I'm doing at the moment to memory. Anyone else would interpret it differently. But when I smile at him, the most he can get out is a slight smile back. Sometimes he mouths an 'I love you'.

At the junkyard two nights ago, (the excuse we used to be able to talk) I had finally seen past the fake wall of content. He had let it all out. And I had gotten to see a little bit of Raph in him. He had yelled at me. For being able to smile when I'm about to die. He had yelled a lot. And I had just stood there, waiting for him to stop. Just like I do with Raph. And when he had, I took the risk to make him mad again. I had smiled.

"If I don't smile when I'm alive, it's the same as already being dead."

Then he had cried.

And I had held mine in, not letting him see how it really affects me.

When we had gotten home, his wall was up again. But I had a feeling it wasn't keeping something as big as before behind it. I think he really needed to just blow up for a while and let all he hid the night I told him out. I finally saw what telling him was doing to him. I wish I could take it back. This leads to my wall.

_My_ wall holds back a lot. Guilt for not telling my family. Fear of when and how it's going to happen. And of who's going to have to do it. And pain. The pain of having to hide it hits me every morning, not letting up until I get to sleep at night. And even then, the nightmares haunt me.

I think Raph suspects. He hasn't asked about it, but I feel as if I should at least tell _him_. Because he's my husband. And I shouldn't hide _anything_ from him, let alone my _death_. But… am I protecting him by doing so? I don't know. It seems as if I don't know anything anymore. Nothing is clear. And it scares me. I don't like not knowing things.

I compose myself, blocking all holes in my wall before heading downstairs. I wonder if this is how Raph felt. When he used to hold in his emotions. Trapped. Alone. In pain. I'm glad I'm here for him now. If not his brothers, I am the one he always comes to, to let go. I wish I could do the same. But I'm not even trusting myself with Don, even though he knows. I don't want him to know I'm scared. None of them should have to see what's hidden inside with these hated lies.


	8. Non mortem timemus

**Ch. 8**

**Non mortem timemus, sed cogitationem mortis**

The room is dead silent, and I feel as if I can't breathe as soon as his accusing eyes meet mine.

I had come into the room after hearing a tense conversation. Upon entering, from Don's look, I had a feeling I should close the door. Raph didn't turn to me when the door clicked. He just carried on the conversation. I caught on to the topic immediately.

"You're not foolin' me anymore. Now tell me what's wrong."

Don had looked back to Raph. "Trust me. You don't want to know."

"That's crap and you know it."

"No Raph. It's not."

"What could I possibly not want to know?"

Don's voice rose to match Raph's. "If anything, it'd be this!"

"Then what is it Don? What could you possibly know that would be somethin' that I wouldn't?"

"What if I don't want to tell you!?"

"Why wouldn't you?!"

"If _you _were the only one who knew Lee had only days to live, would _you _want to be the one who told?!"

So here I am, frozen right by the door, my heart beating wildly in my chest. The silence is broken only by the hum of Don's computers. Then Raph's gaze is on me, and I feel as if my heart is ripped out of my chest. His eyes, accusing, hurt, and angry bore into mine. But I can't open my mouth. I don't know what to say. This is _not _what I had in mind if I ever told him.

Something he sees in my eyes makes his get darker. "Tell me it's not true Lee."

It feels like there's a fist clenched around my throat, daring me to try and get the words out. "I can't," I choke out.

Then he's gone.

Before I can move, it suddenly feels like my heart stops beating. I fall to my knees, clutching at my chest in pain, but unable to cry out. But it leaves as fast as it comes. Then I'm scrambling to my feet before Don can even get to me. I run after him, barely catching my breath, leaping down from the balcony and straight out the door. I follow him as fast as I can.

I climb up to the roof faster than I ever have before. I'm surprised to see I'm catching up to him. Leaping to the next roof, I push off so hard, I hit him as soon as he lands. And then we're rolling across the roof. I push myself to my hands and knees as Raph does the same. I look up to see him staring incredulously at me.

"You caught up with me."

My breathing is ragged. "Yeah. And it's as uncomfortable as heck too." I try to calm down. "I can't breathe."

He stands up. "Then why'd you come after me? You obviously don't care enough to tell me that…" he trails off, choking on the words he doesn't want to say.

"Raph, I-"

"You're dieing!? When was that established?!"

"Let me explain," I plead.

"Why?"

I ignore him and his attitude and start talking. I don't let him interrupt me. I tell him everything I told Don. Then I tell him the rest, telling him he's the only one I've told this to. I tell him of my dreams, and why I don't want to tell them. I tell him everything but the way I'm going to die. All the while, I pace the roof. Raph? He doesn't move so much as an inch until I'm done.

When I finally turn to him, I turn to a suffering heart. He's backed up to the wall behind him and slid to the ground, staring straight ahead. "How does this have to do with you dieing? Do you die when she takes over?" His voice is hollow.

It takes all I have to get sound out of my throat. "This is the part you don't want to know."

He finally looks up to me. I avoid his eyes, biting my lip, as he asks the obvious question. "Why?"

"You won't want to think about it. And if I don't tell you until then, you won't be able to think before you do it." I suddenly realize I said too much.

My eyes snap to his the same time his snap to mine. "Before I do _what_?"

I look away. "What you won't want to think about until that moment. And even then…" I trail off.

He gets up and is suddenly in front of me. "Lee, you _have_ to tell me. I _have_ to know. If it has to do with thinkin'-"

"No! I don't _want _you to think!"

"Lee-!"

"Just trust me!" I cry.

He stops short at my tone, looking down at me worriedly.

"Donnie already flipped out on me, and he's already upset! I was selfish and wanted to tell _someone_ just to get it off my chest, and now I wish I could take it back! I _can't _tell you! I can't do something that would make you like I already made Donnie! I _won't_ make the same mistake twice!" I'm crying by now. When I'm done with my little minute of freaking out, I turn around and am about to walk away when I feel an arm around may waist.

I am pulled back and spun around. He holds me there for a second by my waist, just looking at me. Then his gold eyes are suddenly deeper than I've ever seen them before. His arms go all the way around me, pulling me to him. His face, inches from mine, he murmurs, "Lee, if you're sufferin', I wanna suffer with you."

"You'll suffer more than I will." My vision starts to blur.

"You look pretty miserable right now. And I want to know why so I can feel what you feel."

"Trust me. You don't."

He reaches up to wipe away the tears now going down my face. "If only you know how much I _do_."

I rest my head on his chest, my arms going around his neck. I sigh as he brings an arm up to wrap around my shoulders, his other around my waist, holding me still closer to him. "I just wish none of this was happening."

"So, you're not going to tell me?"

"I'll… think about it."

"Don't wait too long," he murmurs.

I don't know what to say. Then I get a thought. "What were you thinking as you ran out of Donnie's room?

I feel him tilt his head. "I was… actually thinkin'… what if I had never loved you? What if I just never let myself love you in the first place? Would the pain be less? But… just the thought of never havin' you… it hurt more than the thought of you dieing. Call me selfish, but it did. As soon as the thought entered my mind, it was gone. I couldn't stand it."

"It's not selfish."

"Why'd you ask?"

I can hear in his voice that I won't be able to say 'nothing' and get away with it. "As you were running out of the room… I think… my heart stopped for a second."

His arms suddenly tighten around me to the point of barely being able to breathe. I feel him take a shuddering breath before whispering, "Oh my God I almost killed you."

"Yeah," I barely get out. "Surprised me too."

"She never said thinkin' about it could hurt you!" He lets go of me, taking my face in his hands. "Are you okay?"

I smile. "I'm fine."

He pulls me to him, tangling his hand in my hair as his lips meet mine, his other arm yet again going around my waist and holding me as close to him as possible. "God, I love you," he murmurs softly when he finally pulls back.

"I love you too," I answer. "I just wish I had more time."

His eyes squeeze shut. "Yeah."

I stand on my tiptoes to kiss him again. "C'mon. Let's go home."

Without a word, he pulls me up into his arms and starts walking. Then he says, "If I only have days left, you're not going to be very far away from me at all times. Every second you have left is mine."

I smile, resting my head on his shoulder. "That's not a problem with me," I assure him, absently playing with the tails of his mask. Then I tug on them lightly. "How are you no freaking out? I expected worse."

"I'm pretending it's not true."

"Oh. That works."

"Not enough," he whispers, his arms tightening around me.

"I know."

"I still keep hoping it's a dream and I'll wake up with you being perfectly fine and happy in my arms."

"I _am_ happy. Because I _am_ in your arms. If only I didn't have a psycho killer side to me."

_Who're you calling 'psycho'?_

I tense up, and Raph notices. "What?" He stops walking.

"I wish she wouldn't comment on everything I say," I hiss.

"Can you not push her away?" he asks, hesitantly starting to walk again.

"Not anymore."

When we get home, I make him put me down when we get to Donnie's room. "I'll meet you in our room," I whisper. "I need to talk to Donnie." I kiss him. "I love you."

He very reluctantly lets me go. "Love you too."

My heart clenches as I see the panic in his face when I turn away from him. I open Don's door, peeking in to see him with his head down on his arms on his desk, the computer screen the only source of light in the room. I walk up quietly behind him, putting a hand to his arm. He's asleep. I shake my head, smiling. Then I lean down to whisper to him. "Donnie."

He sits up, his eyes opening suddenly when he sees me. "Lee."

His voice is soft, thick with sleep. I smile. "C'mon. You should know better by now than to let yourself go to sleep at your desk. Let alone the light not being on when you were using it. It'll hurt your eyes." I lead him to his bed.

"Lee, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Shhh. It's fine Donnie. I should have told him anyway. We're fine now. It's okay."

He sighs. "Good. So he's not mad at you?"

I smile. "Why would he be mad at me?"

"Because you didn't tell him?"

I chuckle, shaking my head. "No. We're good." I give him a hug, then kiss him on the cheek. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."


	9. A posse ad esse

**took a little longer this time because i kept editing. every time i'd find something else that needed to be fixed. it's finally done.**

**Ch. 9**

**A Posse ad Esse**

I close his door behind me, walking softly towards our room. As soon as I'm in the door, it's closed behind me and Raph is kissing me. Something happens. Through that kiss, what I can immediately identify as his fear, is transferred into me. And I can feel it. It drowns me. Added on to my own fear, it overwhelms me. When he pulls back, I collapse into his arms, trying desperately to breathe through all of the emotion seemingly blocking my airway.

"_Lee?"_

"I'm fine," I gasp.

"What happened?" He doesn't move. Just holds me steady, waiting for me to recover.

I regain my footing, wrapping my arms around his neck and holding him close. "You put on one _heck_ of a brave face."

He pulls me closer to him. "You have no idea."

"Actually, I do."

"What do you mean?" he asks, pulling back to look at me.

"I just felt it. That's what that was. I was just… overwhelmed by your fear." I look into his eyes. "You hide it so well until I look into your eyes." I'm pulled into his golden gaze. When I look deep enough, I find it. "And even then, you cover it up so much. It's no wonder I'm the only one who can find it."

He sighs, letting go of me and going over to sit on the bed. "That's because I feel I need to be brave for you."

I smile as I walk up to him, linking my hands behind his neck. I look into his eyes as his arms go around my waist, liking how I'm actually eye level with him even if it's just because he's sitting. "Funny. I'm doing the same thing for you."

He smiles a little. "Aren't we a lieing pair."

"So it would seem." I kiss him.

He rolls over, pulling me with him to where we're laying on our sides, facing each other. "I love you."

"I love you too. And you don't need to be afraid."

He frowns. "How can I not be afraid? I'm losin' you. I can't imagine living without you now."

"Even death can't keep me away from you."

He blinks. "I'm pretty sure death can keep anyone away."

"Not me. I refuse."

He chuckles. "You _would _do that."

I smile, glad I got him to laugh. "You bet I would."

He sighs, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close to him. He puts his forehead to mine, looking into my eyes. I can see all of his love and adoration in them now as clear as I can see his anger when he's upset.

He doesn't look away. He doesn't talk. He doesn't go to sleep. And neither do I. We just look into each other's eyes. All night. We're not tired. The thought of losing even a few hours is unnerving. So we just relax together.

I have never seen Raph so still. Especially for this long. He's usually like Mikey. Not in the sense that he's always all over the place, but how they both don't like to sit still. But that's what we do. We lay together for five hours, just staring into each other's eyes. And you know what? It may have been the simplest thing we've ever done, but I don't think there has ever been a time I felt so at peace and in love in a time when things seem to be spiraling out of control.

It's almost time for the others to get up when Raph talks for the first time in hours. "Are you going to tell the others?"

I close my eyes, sighing. "No." I look back to him. "You were the only one I was planning to tell after Donnie. I don't want to hurt Mikey before I have to. And Leo… I don't want to get him involved."

He nods. "I see that."

I tilt my head up, kissing him. "I'm sorry you found out like you did," I murmur.

"It's okay," he whispers back before kissing me. "I love you anyway." He smiles at me.

"Good," I whisper.

He sits up, pulling me into his arms. "I will always love you," he murmurs into my neck. "Even death cannot change that."

"Same here," I whisper.

He sighs. "C'mon. Time to get up."

"Tell me one thing first."

He looks down to me. "Anything."

"Do you… really wish you had never fallen in love with me?"

His answer is instantaneous. As soon as his eyes lock on to mine, I know the answer. "No. Because if I had never loved you, I would have missed out on the greatest thing in my life. I would have missed out on your love. I would have missed out on you."

Tears well up in my eyes. I blink fiercely, trying to get them to go away. Raph isn't the sentimental type. And for him to say something like that... It just shows how much he really means it.

Raph gently puts his hands to my face, tilting it up to kiss him. "I'm glad I love you, Lee."

"I'm glad I love you too," I answer.

***

I look to Don.

He looks to me. "He's upset."

I nod sadly. The sounds coming from the fight between him and Leo are proof enough to that.

"Are you going to talk to him?"

I shake my head. Usually it's my job to talk to Raph later and get him to feel bad about starting a fight. "He needs to let it out somehow."

Don sighs. "I see why you didn't want to tell him."

I sigh too. "But I always thought I should. He deserves to know. He just needs help dealing with it."

"Well, this just shows how much he cares," he says, trying to smile.

Suddenly the air is silent. Then the sound of Raph slamming the door behind him echoes through the room. I sigh again, this time in exhasperation. "Better go after him. I think he just needs me."

I walk by Leo on the way out. "Lee, I don't think-"

"Trust me Leo. I know what I'm doing."

I feel him watch me leave. I jog through the sewers and climb up to the roof. He's not here. I think for a moment before heading to April and Casey's. Why? I don't know. I just have this… instinct when it comes to Raph. It still surprises me though when I end up being right.

He's sitting on the edge of their roof, his back to me. He looks so calm, sitting there in front of the lit up cityscape, the moon and stars bright in front of him tonight in spite of the city lights. I'm almost tempted to leave him be. But then I remember, he's not really calm. I open my mouth to speak.

"I'm not in the mood for a lecture tonight."

"A lecture? Since when do _I_ give you lectures?"

He still doesn't turn to me. "They don't sound like lectures, but they have the same effect."

"What's that?" I keep my voice soft, feeling his defensiveness.

"They make me feel like crap."

"And why would I want to do that tonight?"

He turns to me now. The resentment I see in his eyes throws me off. "Why _not_ tonight? Why would tonight be any different? Please, tell me. Because I don't see _you _acting any different."

I step down off the ledge of the roof. I try to keep my voice calm, I really do. I know I reach him better that way. But my voice still comes out louder than I want it to. "How do you want me to act? Tell me _that_."

"Not like everythin's okay! Quit actin' like life is just as it used to be! Like yer life isn't shortening every f****** day!"

"So, what? You _want_ to see what I'm really feeling? Do you _want_ to see how much of a wreck I am?"

"It'd be better than feelin' like I'm the only one who's freakin' out!"

I stalk up to him. "Whether you feel it or not, do you actually _think_ I'm okay with all of this? You're not the one that's going to die!"

"Then act like it!"

"Well _excuse me_ for trying to protect my family!" I vaguely notice a sound behind me.

"Well stop! We were fine _before_ you! We don't need your protection _now_!"

I know he didn't mean they don't need me. But that hits way back to what I used to think. That they'd be better off without me. And before I can stop myself, I punch him. For the first time ever, I intentionally hurt him. But here's the thing. It was definately not intentional. At least, not by me.

As he's stumbling back in surprise, time seems to slow down. I think a million thoughts and notice a million details in mere seconds.

I have just done what I always thought possible.

I hear a door close behind me.

What I was always afraid I'd do.

Great. Casey or April must have seen that.

The possibility has finally become actuality.

He puts a hand over his mouth, eyes wide.

This needs to stop.

_I told you. You'll never be strong enough._

He spits out blood.

Oh my God I hit him hard enough to make him bleed.

_I will fight you anyway._

His eyes are hurt, yet resigned like he deserved it.

But he doesn't.

_Why fight it? I'm already getting things in._

He just stands there, staring at me.

I think he's waiting for me to do something.

_Because I love him._

"Oh my God, Raph I am _so _sorry!"

_That doesn't mean you'll make it._

He's just standing there still. Why?

I look down to my hand, still in a fist.

_It's not over till it's over._

I turn my back to him, not wanting him to see my face as I struggle to push her away.

_Get out of my head!_

I bite my lip, my hands shaking, as I fight for control. I only get so far. But then, everything is suddenly gone. And all thoughts go away as blackness overtakes my mind. I pray this means that I won and not the other way around as my body gives up on me.

I'm caught. But it's not Raph's arms I feel go around me.


	10. Aut Vincere Aut Mori

**Ch. 10**

**Aut Vincere Aut Mori**

I breathe a sigh of relief when I open my eyes and it's to April and Casey's room, and not to a million dead people. The first thing I notice is that only a small lamp is on. Then I see Casey, walking towards the door. "Is Raph okay?"

He turns to look to me as he's reaching for the handle. "You weren't out long," he comments, abandoning his previous plan and coming over to sit on the bed.

I sit up slowly. "How long is 'not long'?"

"About five minutes. Long enough for me to carry you down here. I'm lucky you're not that heavy. Carrying people down stairs isn't easy."

I look to him, panicking. Why didn't Raph carry me? Is he that mad at me? "Is Raph mad at me?"

He shakes his head. "No, he's not mad at you. He was just… too surprised I guess to move fast enough to catch you."

I close my eyes, sighing. "I was surprised too."

"You seriously didn't mean to do it, did you?"

I look up to him. "How much did you see?"

"I came out when Donnie called, telling me to make sure you guys were okay. _Now _I don't know if he was talking about you or Raph. I was going to go out to see where you were, but I heard yelling as I got to the door and only opened it a little bit. I got there only a few seconds before you punched him. I was so shocked, I didn't know whether to go out there or stay put. Then you turned around and I saw you... fighting with something inside. I mean... you looked like you were fighting within yourself."

I look down, murmuring, "I was."

"I know you didn't mean to hurt him. You didn't even seem to know what happened."

I look to him, shaking my head. "No. I didn't. I would never mean to hurt him. I just… couldn't stop it."

"You should talk to him."

I don't like the way he said that. "He _is_ mad at me, isn't he?!" I run my fingers through my hair. "Great."

Casey grabs my chin, pulling my face right up to his. "He's not mad at you. Quit freakin' out and calm down. April's just gettin' him some ice. He'll be here in a minute. He's not stayin' away from you on purpose."

I relax a little. But only a little. A new worry has been presented to me. "He needs ice?"

He rolls his eyes. "Of course you'd still be worried about him. Don't worry. He's fine. You know he's had worse. April just insisted. You know how she is. Mother hen and all."

I shake my head. "I still don't like being the source of one of his injuries." I shiver. "It's… wrong."

"Hey. Trust me. Fights have ended worse. I mean, sometimes someone actually _means_ to hurt the other person."

I shake my head. "It just scares me. All of those times I've killed people. I'm afraid I'll hurt him. Much worse than this." My voice tapers off towards the end.

"You're not _seriously_ suggesting you'll hurt him on _purpose _someday, are you?"

I look back to him. "Not on purpose. Never on purpose."

He sighs. "I need to bring him in here." He heads over to the door. "He loves you, Lee. Just let him know you feel the same. He holds nothin' against you. Never has. He's told me so."

Before I can ask him about that, the door is closed behind him. My mind starts going a mile a minute. It takes me all of two seconds to decide I can't just keep sitting around my family, waiting for the psycho inside to break loose. But what do I do about it? No clue.

I need to think. I need to figure out how I'm going to take care of this. I mean, it's either conquer or die. I promised a long time ago I wouldn't leave him again. But I need to get away for a while. But it's not like I won't come back. I just hope he'll understand.

I'm already grabbing a paper and a pencil on a nearby table. I write down a quick note:

_I need to think for a while. I'll come back I promise. I just need some time to figure things out. See you soon. Just rust me. Be safe. Love you_

_~Lee_

Then I'm out the window and down the fire escape. I turn the corner and I'm out of sight. Where am I going? Not sure yet. I just know I need to just relax somewhere. Find myself again. It seems I don't know who that is anymore. It's like losing… I sigh. Like losing the knowledge of who I am. Thanks Raph. If only I had listened to you.

I climb another fire escape now that I'm far enough away to not be spotted by Raph. I flip up onto the roof. I stand there for a second after I land, frozen in my stance. I remember how it feels to just let go. To just have fun, free styling a mix of gymnastics, ninjitsu, and street fighting. To be myself. How do I do that?

I think for a minute. Then, one word pops into my head. Farmhouse. Warm memories come back as the image of the place gets clearer. I decide right now. That's where I'm going. But I need a ride. That means getting my motorcycle out of the garage without Don knowing. He'll tell Raph. But… I think I know how to do that. That is… if I remember.

Shutting down Don's alarm system is complicated. But it can be easy if you know what you're doing. I do. As I take the hidden box apart, I remember all Don told me. It's disabled in a second. I open the small side door, peeking into the garage. I sneak in, glad it's empty. I find my personal emergency bag among the other four in the corner. Extra clothes and everything in this bag. I throw my phone in it.

I put on my leather jacket and throw the bag over my shoulder, grabbing my helmet off of the table. I push the bike out the small door, resetting the alarm system before walking to the road and putting my helmet on. I thank Raph and Don now for helping me build this. Smaller than Raph's, it's easier to handle. Slick black with red in some spots, it's definitely mine. Raph had fun getting April to get me this jacket. The helmet is a repainted extra.

I smile at the memory as I get on and kick it to life. As I ride away, I remember how Raph had looked at me when I put on this jacket for the first time. I swear, I think he thought me putting on this jacket and leaning against the bike after it was finished was the hottest thing I've ever done. I had never seen him look at me like that before then.

I turn onto the new highway. It's shorter to the farmhouse this way. We usually take the long way because it's more relaxing and prettier. No hurry, so might as well enjoy the view. So even when the highway was built two years ago, we haven't used it. The only way I know where I'm going now is because of my photographic memory. We had searched up a map of where the highway goes before deciding not to use it. I've never forgotten.

I remember when I told Mike about my photographic memory. It was about five years ago. We were on our way to save Raph. Mike had asked how I knew where we were going even though I had closed the computer. He had thought it was so cool. He had bugged me about it a few months later when he remembered. He'd tested me. He was upset when he found out Raph already knew.

Raph had found out only days after I had met them. He had watched me draw a dog and the park from memory. He had thought that was amazing. That was enough proof for him. Actually… I don't think he's ever asked for proof of anything I've ever said or done.

I stop at a gas station after an hour to get a few sodas and bags of chips while I fill up. Though I have food with me, I don't know how long I'll be there, and might as well save the good food for later. I rest a while before I start off again. Two more hours to go.

I don't stop anymore until I get there as the sun's rising, pulling up in front of the porch. I cut off the engine to complete silence except for the waking birds. I smile as I look around. This is definitely my favorite vacation spot.

I roll the bike into the barn, grabbing a blanket and covering it up after hanging my helmet on the handles. Then I grab a piece of wire and walk back to the house. I bend it as I get to the door, leaning over to put it into the keyhole.

I pick the lock (a skill I picked up on from Casey) and drop my bag at the door as I start uncovering the chairs and opening the curtains. As light shines in from the early morning sun, I start to feel more at home, memories from past visits popping into my mind. I pick up my bag.

I go upstairs to put my bag on the bed, take off my jacket, and carry the sodas back downstairs. I put those in the fridge after coming back up from flicking on the power switches in the basement.

I go over and open the closet to get out the heater for the bedroom, knowing full well that no matter how warm it is during the day, it always gets cold at night. In front of the heaters are supplies. I remember hearing Casey and April talk about their plans on touching the place up. Maybe I'll help. Working always helps me relax. And I won't be bored. I hate being bored. Though Raph wouldn't like it that I'm doing something 'dangerous' because I'm bored. I laugh to myself.

I actually find a list of things to be done on the fridge. I'll start with fixing the shutters. I find everything I need, going out on the porch to check on the two front windows. Only one out here needs fixed. After that one, I go upstairs and climb through the bedroom window.

A flash of a memory hits me dead on as soon as I step out. Me and Raph sitting out here. Every night we'd watch the sunset and, if we were up early enough, we'd watch the sunrise in the morning. I sit still for a minute, my eyes closed. As I breathe in the familiar smell of the air, I work on remembering every detail. It's not very hard for me to do that.

His arms around me, the sounds of the night starting up, the stars fading in as the bright light dims to reveal them as the sun goes down. I remember being warm in Raph's lap, the cool night air not able to touch me as we just sit out here and talk. I remember the feel of his chest pressing against my back with every breath he takes and the deep rumble of his voice against it.

I smile as I open my eyes, and slowly set stuff up and get to work. I replace the hinges easily, but have a little trouble hanging the shutters themselves up straight. I finally get it when I rest it on my knee, keeping it steady as I screw it into the house. When I'm done, I stand back and look at my handy work, smiling. I can take care of things pretty well by myself.

I frown at that thought. No. It's good to have someone helping. Yes, I can take care of myself, but I would trade my independence for someone helping me any day. Help is just a good excuse to hang out with someone. I sigh. I hope I rediscover myself soon. I miss my family.

I pick everything up, but sit outside for a little while, just watching and listening to everything around me. It's good to be back here after so long. Only one thing could make it better.


	11. Omnia Mutantur Nos et Mutamur in Illis

**I updated two chapters today. slowing down on typing what i've written though. and then i'm running out of what i've written. i need to get back on it. or it'll take a lot longer.**

**Ch. 11**

**Omnia Mutantur Nos et Mutamur in Illis**

I throw everything inside the window, then climb in myself. I go over to my bag and dig out my phone to check the time. I've missed eight text messages. I sigh, smiling softly as I open it and read them.

_Lee, don't stay away too long._

_Where are you?_

_Please, just tell me where you are. I just want to know._

_Lee, at least let me know you're safe._

_Don't do this to me Lee. Please talk to me._

_I'm getting scared now. Please tell me you have your phone with you._

_Lee, please. Please tell me if you're okay._

_I'm begging you now. Let me know if you're okay. Please._

I quickly push reply.

_Don't worry. I'm fine. Didn't check my phone until now. I'll come back when I feel I should. It shouldn't be too long. Love you._

I press send, then check the time. 10:23. I take off my belt for more flexibility and go downstairs, grabbing a Dr. Pepper on my way out the door. I feel the warm sunlight shine down, warming up the cool air as I jog down the path in the woods. I turn off of it, going down an almost hidden path. After a while, I get to the clearing. What me and Mikey call the 'butt-kicking circle'. Our training area.

I walk to the middle, setting down the Dr. Pepper on the tree stump before going over and kneeling down in front of the gymnastics bar on the ground. I tie the rope to it, walking over to the trees and throwing it over a branch. I hoist it up that way, tying the rope on another branch before walking over to push the legs into the holes in the ground. Then I go back and untie the rope, letting it go down into the ground.

I climb up one of the leg poles to get to the main one, untying the rope and flipping myself up onto it. I crouch there for a second, breathing, before I slowly stand up. I hold my arms out to the side as I stand on the thin pole, slowly straightening. As I get to my normal standing posture, I remember how Don had reacted when I first did this.

It had started out as a challenge. One that Raph pushed me to prove. For some reason, he had no doubt that I could do it. So after Don standing up here with his staff, he had flipped off and I had climbed up. He asked if I needed his staff for help with balance, but I had refused, saying it would mess me up. Then I had done this.

I take two steps toward the middle, dropping down and catching it with my hands, swinging up to flip around before swinging down again. I swing my legs up to wrap around it, swinging around to push myself up and bringing my feet back up to plant them back on the bar.

This is why I took off my belt. It makes this a little bit easier. I stand up again, breathing in a deep breath. I almost laugh at the feeling I have. I feel so free. So relaxed. So energized. Then my foot slips. I flip down.

Now I _do_ laugh. My klutziness returns. I go back up and do a few balance drills before jumping down. I pick up two sticks and start going through katas. I put my own flair through it, even mixing two together. Leo's and Raph's. I smile at the irony. Raph and Leo can work good together if they want to. Like these katas.

I remember back to the stormy night when I was eighteen, fighting with them all against the one who almost killed me. I remember seeing Raph and Leo fight side by side on the edge of the roof. The way they had moved so perfectly together. There was no hole in their form. Until our attacker made one. And Leo had kept him away as I had saved Raph.

It surprises me how clear the memory is. As if it were weeks ago, rather than years. In fact, they're all that clear. That's interesting. And cool. I'll never forget. That makes me happy. Until I remember I have only days to live. I sigh, then push the thought away. I'm not here to think about that. I'm here to see if I can stop it.

I finish my Dr. Pepper as I walk to the opposite end of this field, heading away from the farmhouse instead of towards it. I go through a hidden path, crouching down a little. It's grown over again. I'll have to fix that on my way back. Right now, I'm going for a swim. It's hot.

I step out into another clearing. Mine and Raph's pond. I walk over to the tiny dock we had built, opening the container in the grass in front of it. I pull out a pair of shorts and a tank top that are always here in case I need them. I change without fear, knowing fair well that no one lives around for miles. Then I run out and jump into the water. I beat my old record for laps around the pond before getting out on the island and flipping into the hammock. I take a nap.

***

It's day three. I heard wolves last night when I got home. That's not uncommon. We've heard them a lot when we're out here. But they seemed closer. I'm glad I missed them. I love wolves, so if I had run into them and they had attacked, I would have had to fight them. So I hope I never run into them or they're smart enough to not mess with me. They were nice to listen to as I went to sleep though.

I had come back, eaten a huge dinner since I hadn't had lunch because I was out in the woods, then got a shower and went to bed. But not before I checked my phone.

_I miss you. Come back to me soon. Love you._

I had replied.

_Goodnight. Love you too._

Then I had went to sleep with my phone in my hand, the closest thing I had to actually having him here.

You're probably wondering, if I miss him so much, why don't I just tell him to come here? I want to. But I feel that to find myself, I need to be alone with myself. But I can't wait to see him. But as for today, I'm painting the front of the house. I already painted the shutters after breakfast. I'm almost done as it approaches lunchtime.

I eat on the porch, swinging in the swing. I relax, taking in the beautiful sun kissed land around me. The grass, the trees, the flowers. A slight breeze blows through. I'm at peace. Totally happy. No. Not totally happy. I miss Raph. And the rest of them. But other than that, I am perfectly content.

I tilt my head as I think about that. I'm not perfectly happy without my family. Does that make them part of who I am? Or does that just mean I'm dependent on them? Or maybe, it's a little bit of both. Because they're so much of who I am, I need them in my life. Because they've become my life. I think about this, evaluating this as I eat. Maybe, just maybe, I never lost myself. I just became content with life and just found a more subdued self. Maybe… maybe I can go home soon.

My heart leaps at that thought.

***

After lunch, I get back to work. I finish painting the front a little after dinner. Then I decide to go for a swim to escape the August heat that's coming back with the sun. I change into my bathing suit this time, taking a tank top and a pair of jeans with me for afterwards. In no time, I'm dropping them on the dock and jumping into the pond.

I swim just long enough to cool down before getting out. I had gone to the training clearing this morning before breakfast, so after that and painting the front of the house, I decide to just cool down then relax. I go to sleep for about two hours before swimming back to shore, drying off, getting dressed, and heading home. It's a little after 7:30 I'm guessing. I decide to jog home, remembering the wolves.

I'm almost there when I here the first noise in the trees beside me as I'm going down the main path. I sigh. Of course. With my luck this would happen. I'm glad though that this path is wide and I can see everything around me. I don't like it when someone or something can sneak up on me. As I'm thinking this, I see the first pair of eyes show up next to me.

I slow to a walk, not wanting to act as prey, but keep moving. I see another pair of eyes. I clench my teeth, my heart starting to beat wildly in my chest. The only weapon I have against their sharp teeth is a small knife I had grabbed this morning to open paint cans and stuck in my pocket. I don't like the situation I'm in. I see a third pair of eyes.

They're moving with me, staying right beside me. I take a chance, looking behind me. Sure enough, there one is. I stop walking. A fourth pair of eyes walks out of the trees to stand a mere eight feet in front of me. I reach into my pocket to grab my knife, wrapping my fingers tightly around it. Curse my height, making them think I'm an easy prey.

I turn in a circle as they all come out into the open. Five in all. There must be a shortage of their main food because they look skinny. Maybe that's why they're taking a chance with me. I feel sorry for having to hurt them. I don't stop turning in circles, keeping as many in my sights as possible.

Then they attack. I don't fight them much differently than I do a group of men with knives. Their teeth are close enough to that. So a kick to the side or face and a slash to the shoulder or side is how it goes. Then one comes at me head on, and I have no choice but to go straight for the chest. It falls and lays still.

I'm too focused on that one, I don't see another coming at me. It goes for my arm. I can't react fast enough. It bites down and doesn't let go. I feel like I'm staring at my arm in shock as I stab that wolf in the side. It finally lets go, falling to the ground. It tries to get up, but falls again and doesn't move as the others run away.

My knife falls from my hand as I abandon it in favor of my arm. I cover the gash in my arm, my stomach lurching as I see how deep it is. Though I don't feel the pain, that doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. Seeing all the blood and thinking about blood loss, I panic.

I press my hand tightly to the gash as I run the rest of the way to the house. Blood is dripping from my arm as I get there, kicking the screen door open and running to the bathroom. I grab a towel and wrap it around my arm as I dig around inside the cupboards for the emergency first aid kit. Everything for serious injuries in that thing.

I start to get dizzy from what I can guess is loss of blood. I shake my head to try to clear it, still digging around the cupboard to find the stupid box. I start muttering to myself. "C'mon Lee. Stay focused. What did Don say about taking care of deep cuts? Remember that. Maybe it will help you stay focused."

_"Put pressure on it. Everyone knows that."_

_He laughs. "I know." He gives me a piece of gauze. "Press this to it."_

_I put it on my cut as he looks for something else._

_"What next if it's so deep just a bandage won't help?" he asks._

_"Stitches after disinfecting."_

_"Then?" he asks as he gives me a shot to numb my arm._

_I think a moment. "Ummm… wrapping it up to prevent ripping them."_

_He turns to me. "Exactly." Then he gets to work, stitching up my arm._

_I look away, turning to Raph next to me. _

_He looks to me, not watching what Don's doing either, but for a different reason. He doesn't like the sight of a needle going into my arm. He takes my hand._

_I occasionally look back to see how he's doing it, wincing every time. _

"Here they are," I mutter to myself. I sit on the floor as I open the box and pull out everything I need. I pour peroxide onto gauze (not wanting to stand up to just pour it over my arm into the sink) before unwrapping my arm. I grimace at the sight. It looks pretty nasty. "This is going to take a while."

I keep the towel under my arm as I set up the needle and start stitching it up to keep from getting blood all over. Even though I don't feel the pain, I don't like looking at it. I try to not dwell on what I'm doing. While keeping half of my attention to my task, I try to think of something other than what I'm in the middle of doing.

"You'd never be a doctor," I tell myself. "Too squeamish." I think back to the memory of Don teaching me how to take care of and stitch up a deep gash. I had been sixteen. How I remember that in so much detail relaxes me. It makes me more sure of what I'm doing. I'm no expert like Don. I'll have a more noticeable scar. But I'm more worried about getting it to stop bleeding.

_That_ doesn't happen until I'm done. By then, I'm leaning against the cupboard, my head resting on the bottom of the counter as I try to keep my mind awake. I wipe up my arm, the towel all but soaked with blood now. My good hand shakes as I reach out to pick up the roll of gauze to wrap up my arm. It takes twice as long as it should. When I'm finally done, I just stay there, my head against the low counter.

I'm about to let myself pass out when I get a thought. I had fought off the wolves without going crazy. And I haven't heard or felt a sign of _her _since I punched Raph. This realization sends a jolt of happiness down my spine. Just enough energy to get out my phone and text home.

_I'm coming home tomorrow._

Then I'm out of it.


	12. Afterwards and Homecoming

**i've started writing again. though i'm in the middle of another short story i want to finish and upload, i should update this one again soon after that. **

**Ch. 12**

**Afterwards and Homecoming**

"Oh Lee, baby."

I slowly open my eyes to see Raph kneeling down in front of me, a hand to my shoulder. "Hey." I smile. "What are you doing here?"

"What're _you_ doing on the floor of the bathroom with a blood soaked towel in front of you? I saw the door open, and blood drops on the floor. You scared me." He reaches for my arm. "God, are you okay?"

"My name's not God," I tease, reaching out to him with my good hand, pulling him closer. "And can you wait till I'm more coherent before you get the story?" I ask before I kiss him.

He chuckles. "Alright. As long as you're okay." He lifts me into his arms, sighing. "Lose too much blood?" he guesses.

"Yeah," I sigh. "Why did you say you're here?"

He lays me down in my bed, laughing quietly as he tucks me in. "Go to sleep. You're not keepin' your mind on one track. I'll tell you tomorrow."

"Don't leave me," I plead, grabbing onto his hand.

"I'll be right back after I clean up the gory bathroom. I promise I'll be here when you wake up." He kisses my cheek. "Go to sleep."

I couldn't keep my eyes open if I wanted to. They close as he's walking out of the room. My last thought is 'He better be here in the morning'.

***

I wake up in Raph's arms. It takes me a second to remember why. When I do, I smile. My heart leaps in my chest as I sigh in content. I relax for a minute, very happy now that I'm back to waking up in his arms. I reach over my shoulder to poke his shoulder.

"Hmmm?" I can tell by the tone that he's awake, not just waking up. I wonder if he even slept.

"Good, you're awake. Spill. Why are you here?"

His soft laugh rumbles through my back. Wow I missed that. "You said you were comin' home today. I wanted to see you sooner. I figured since you were comin' back, it'd be okay to come see you. Is… is it okay that I came?"

I roll to my back, smiling when I see his face. "I'm glad you did."

He leans down to kiss me.

I sigh. "I missed you."

He chuckles. "Your turn. Why was the bathroom 'gore fest' when I got here to find you sittin' there, your arm wrapped up, and passed out against the sink cupboard?"

I bite my bottom lip. "Uhh… I was coming home from the pond last night and a starved pack of wolves attacked me."

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before opening them. "You're okay?"

I hold up my arm. "Just my arm."

He lifts it to his mouth and kisses it. "Musta got ya pretty good. Probably severed a vein to make you bleed like that."

I grimace. "It was a nightmare to stitch the thing up with how jagged it is and wrap it, not mentioning being half passed out."

He shakes his head. "You're incredible."

I grin. "I know. When did you get here anyway?"

"Midnight. I took the highway."

"Don's GPS?"

He chuckles. "I knew you were here by trackin' your phone. Then I used his GPS to navigate the highway."

"What time is it?"

"Almost eleven. I'm hungry. I didn't want to leave you. We'll have to get lunch soon."

"Soon," I agree, "but not now." I pull him down to kiss me.

"By the way…" he lifts an eyebrow after pulling back a little. "I was wondering if you'd be interested in staying until tomorrow."

I reach over to the bedside table to grab my phone. I text Leo.

Scratch that. I'm coming home tomorrow.

***

"You pick that up and you're in trouble."

I glare at him. "I'm not crippled just because I have stitches."

He walks up to me, grinning. "I would rather not have a repeat of this after noon." He kisses me.

I sigh, but let him get the heater, carrying it downstairs and putting it in the closet. I don't really want to see my arm dripping blood again either. Yeah. I won't go into the gory details, but let's just say I won't be able to lift anything heavy with this arm for a while. The gash is so deep, the stitches pulling even a little bit makes it bleed.

I go to the basement to flip off the power, then go back upstairs to cover up the furniture. I grab my bag and drop it on the porch as I go to get my bike out of the barn. As I pull up to the porch, Raph is there, frowning at me. "What now?"

"You're makin' me nervous."

I roll my eyes. "I'll be fine."

"At least let me wrap your arm up a little tighter and better."

I humor him, rolling my eyes. "Alright."

He smiles. "Thank you."

"I've learned to humor you."

He laughs. "Good."

When we're finally ready to go, I stand up from zipping up my bag to see Raph walking out of the house in jeans, pulling a hoodie over his head. I throw my backpack over my shoulder before leaning against my bike to watch him lock the doors. He turns to walk down the steps but stops short when he sees me watching him.

"You know, you look good in clothes. Why don't you wear them all the time again?" I grin.

He smirks back. "Because they restrict movement and get in the way." He walks up to me now. "Besides," he pulls me against him, "Real turtles don't wear clothes."

It takes a lot of self-control to not laugh. "You know, you could take that the same way as 'real men wear pink'."

He grins. "Either way, you get the idea." He kisses me before leaning down to my ear. "By the way, you look freakin' amazing in that jacket."

I smile. "I was remembering the first time you saw me in this when I was heading out here the other day."

He chuckles. "Trust me. There's no difference. I've just learned to be good." He buries his face in my hair and breathes in a deep breath before pulling back and giving me one more kiss. "C'mon. They're expecting us."

"Says the one who's taking so long," I tease.

"Says the one who's tempting me," he shoots back, pulling on his gloves.

"I'm not doing anything," I say indignantly.

He raises an eyebrow, freezing with his helmet in his hands.

"Alright. At least not on purpose."

I throw him his backpack. He catches it, shrugging. "I guess I'll accept that."

I pull my hair back and put my helmet on, turning on the communication system. "You hear me?" I ask, getting on my bike.

"Loud and clear." He kicks his to life.

"Awesome." I start mine, revving the engine a few times. I look things over. "We might have to stop for gas in about an hour."

I see him nod. "Just tell me when."

"You got it." Then I'm speeding down the dirt driveway.

***

"So when did you decide you can come home?" he asks, leading the way off of the highway.

I laugh a little. "Right before I passed out the other night."

He chuckles. "And how did you come to that conclusion?"

"I went out there to find myself. I meditated, went through our training exercises on my own, doing them my way, and just doing everything I wanted to the way I wanted to with no fear because there was no one else around. Do you know what I found out?"

"What?" he asks thoughtfully.

"It's very boring doing that by yourself."

He laughs.

"Every time I would do something, it would remind me of you guys. And… I started thinking of how even though I'm not as tough as I used to be, that's just because I've just become content with my life. I didn't really lose myself, I just let another side of me take over. And my life now has you interwoven in it. And it's not complete without you." I don't go into the details about _her._ I don't want to remind him.

It's quiet for a minute before he comments. "So does that mean you'll never go away again?"

I try to tell myself that I will live long enough to see if there's an 'again'. But the 'two weeks to live' thing is still haunting me. It could still come true. Today isn't over yet. "I'll never go away again without _you_," I answer.

I hear him chuckle. "Fair enough."

The street lights flicker on, one by one, the sun going down faster as it gets lower. We reach our territory as it hits 10:30, Raph leading the way all the way to the garage. He does the keypad, (newly installed so no one can break in like I did) and I ride in. I pull off my helmet, shaking my hair free as he pulls in.

"Alright. What's the new code?"

He smirks at me. "If I tell you, how do I know you won't escape again?"

I walk up to him, hands on my hips, but smirking right back up at him. "Because I just told you I won't leave without you, and I promise I'll be good."

His smirk turns into a grin. "You really _do_ look so hot in that jacket. It's been a long time since you've worn it."

I roll my eyes. "The jacket. You are _so_ A.D.D. Either that, or you don't want to tell me the code. Seriously, I'm not gonna-"

He suddenly pulls me close to him, silencing me, his arms tightly around my waist. His eyes are dark. "I am _not _A.D.D. Your jacket is just distracting. No. _You_ in the jacket is distracting."

I grin. "_You're_ the one who suggested it to April."

"Thank God I did," he murmurs as he leans down to me.

I pull back right before his lips can meet mine. "The code."

He looks at me, stunned that I had actually pulled away. "Are you serious?"

I narrow my eyes.

He leans closer again.

I bend back more, my eyes narrowing even more. "The code."

He growls, leaning over so that I'm now practically bending backwards, his arms around me and my hands holding his upper arms the only thing keeping me from falling back. His eyes narrow, his face so close to mine, I have trouble holding myself back.

"You going to answer?" I hope he does. I can't hold back much longer.

"Darn you."

I raise an eyebrow.

He groans. "355721." Then his lips are on mine.

I don't fight anymore, gladly being pulled closer to him.

He eventually pulls back for a second, still leaning over me. "Welcome home."


	13. Id imperfectum manet dum confectum erit

**four days isn't too horribly long is it? sorta my usual now. here's the next chapter. hope you like the story so far. maybe only a few chapters.**

**Ch. 13**

**Id imperfectum manet dum confectum erit**

"Do you always have to get into trouble?"

I smile. "Only when I'm alone it seems."

Don only shakes his head as he unwraps my arm. "I've noticed that. You just seem to be a magnet for trouble."

I roll my eyes.

The excitement from me being home has calmed down, and Don being… Don, noticed my arm. Now we're in his lab, he insisting we check for infection. Raph is still out there with Leo, giving him the story I gave him about the wolf incident. Don takes this time to ask about the bigger question.

"So… what about… _it_? Raph told us what happened that night. That's why you went away. Did you get rid of her?"

I sigh. "I _think_… she's gone."

He looks up to me, pausing in his work. "But you're not committing to that."

I shake my head sadly. "No. It was just… too easy. Like she gave up. And that doesn't seem like something she'd do."

"It doesn't. Not after all that other trouble." He sighs. "So you don't think it's over yet?"

I shake my head. It's not over till it's over. But when will that be?

Don's quiet, dropping the subject as we hear someone coming. It's Raph. He sits next to me as Don finishes unwrapping my arm. "That's one heck of a bite, isn't it?" he comments at Don's face.

"Geeze, Lee. How'd you even stay awake long enough to stitch this up?"

I smile. "You helped me."

He freezes again, looking up. "Come again?"

I laugh. "I needed something to think about to keep focused. I remembered the first time you had to stitch me up, teaching me how to do it as you went."

He smiles. "Ahhh. The window incident."

Yes. We were replacing a window in the battle shell. I was taking out the broken old one, as Raph was putting in the new one. I went to put it down on the table as it slipped out of my hand. It went down, cutting a straight and clean cut through my arm right before my wrist. Raph had flipped out. It's funny now when I think back on it.

I take Raph's hand. "And Raph here sat next to me as I fought for consciousness and stitched myself up."

He chuckles. "Only in your mind."

I smile at him. "But it helped. Just like it did back then."

He smiles. "Glad I could help by bein' invisible."

"You remember all that?" Don asks, amazed, as he gets a sample of my blood to test before pouring some very strong germ killer over the gash. I am _soooo_, so, so, glad I can't feel that. I remember it burning. A lot.

"I remember a lot. In amazing detail."

He snorts. "Oh yeah, I forgot. Your amazing memory."

I chuckle. "It kept me from being lonely at the farmhouse."

Mike laughs from the doorway. "Only _you_ would be able to keep yourself company in your head."

I laugh too. But inside, I'm scared to death. What if she comes back? What if I really _am_ messed up in the head? I mean, I've always thought that _something_ was… different in my head. And Mikey just commenting on that shows how much I really am referring to my mind all the time. It freaks me out.

I see Don looking to me and I see in his eyes how he connected what Mikey said to what's going on too. And as Raph starts picking on Mikey for teasing me, his eyes change. I see fear. Donnie's scared of what could happen too. And it looks like no matter what, I will always have the fear that she may come back.

***

"Well, that explains why they attacked me. But… I didn't see any foam around the mouth or anything."

He shrugs. "They were probably in the beginning stages. Rabies doesn't happen all at once. Most of the time you see it in their actions before any physical signs of it."

I let out a breath, falling back into the wall behind me. "So why don't I have it?"

His eyes light up at the question. No doubt this is some scientific field day for him. "Your… immune system is amazing. At least I think that's what's fighting it. I can't tell what's attacking it because it happens too fast, but something is definitely kicking its butt. You are so lucky."

I smile. "I'm a freak of nature."

Don laughs. "No. That's definitely us."

My smile goes away. "Are you going to tell Raph?"

"Tell Raph what?"

I turn to him standing in the doorway. I sigh internally. "Don't freak out okay? It didn't happen. Just another 'lucky' freaky thing about my body."

He looks to Donnie, raising an eyebrow.

"Her body's fighting off rabies," Donnie supplies.

His eyes open wide. "I thought that's impossible. That you need a shot."

Don nods. "You do."

Raph turns to me. "You lucky girl you."

I look into his narrowed eyes. "Hey. At least this wouldn't have been my fault. Even though I was out there alone, it was a freak incident. I mean, getting attacked by rabid wolves? Seriously? _So_ totally not my fault."

He shakes his head, walking out. "Whatever. I'm getting my shower. I'll talk to you later."

I turn to Don after he leaves. "He's freaking out. He was trying not to be upset."

Don just looks at me. "How much longer do you think you can cheat death, Lee? I swear, you've got a huge target on your forehead. Attempted rape about four times, captured twice, stabbed, shot at, starved, attacked by wolves. You've almost died about a million times…"

I just watch him, listening to everything that has happened. They all seem like dreams as I remember everything he lists off.

He sits down, looking up at me. "It's like you weren't meant to live this long. Like you should have been killed when your parents were."

I flinch.

He notices, cringing. "Sorry."

I look down at him. "No. You're right. It's like I'm being haunted by death. I was supposed to be killed then. I didn't tell you guys the whole story."

He looks incredulously at me.

I shrug. "It just… wasn't important."

He narrows his eyes. "What happened?"

I avoid his eyes. "I told you guys how some stupid rich guy thought my parents had cheated at his casino. Well… I think they did. And I think I now how. But I don't remember much of that trip. I've been trying to for the past eight years. But that's why they shot my parents. I was tacked on as an afterthought."

Don growls. "Why?"

I lock eyes with him. "I didn't just run away like I said I did. The guy came in to my room to shoot me and I hid behind my door and decked him across the head with my metal bat I had in my room."

"But why were you wanted dead?" he interrupts.

I clench my teeth, digging back into the far less remembered memories. Ones of the life I had where I never felt like remembering anything. I know I remembered this once. In a dream. One that Raph held me when I woke up from. So I focus solely on remembering that. I find it. "I think it was just him. He just… didn't want anyone to know it was him who killed my parents. I had only hid behind my door when I saw him curse, saying something about another room and not wanting witnesses."

I put my hands to my head, pacing. "I can't remember and it's driving me crazy! I'm not used to not remembering. I just… didn't want to remember for so long…" I stop pacing, looking to Donnie. "I was going to be killed that night. Before that, I was never threatened. After that, I was always in trouble. I'm probably the reason for everything bad happening to you guys. I just-"

"Lee!"

I stop.

"_Nothing_ that ever happens to us is your fault. And you _were_ supposed to live. You heard what Nirona had said. You were supposed to save us. But maybe, your time was supposed to be up when you were killed when bringing Leo back to life. Maybe you've only been given a little longer." His voice is soft at the end.

I run a hand through my hair sighing as I look down. "I'm afraid I might not be able to hold out much longer. You can only cheat death so many times."

"And today is the last day of the 'two weeks to live' period," he murmurs.

I look back to him. "I'm scared Donnie."

His face saddens. "I know."

"I keep waiting for her to come back," I whisper.

"I know."

"And if she does, I won't be able to fight her anymore." My voice starts to shake.

He stands up and walks over to me, pulling me into his arms. "It'll be okay hon. It'll be okay. We'll all be here for you. You'll be okay." He keeps saying that over and over again. Even though I know he doesn't believe it himself.

I pull back, running a hand through my hair. There are no tears. I do not cry. With my jaw clenched, I pull back and sigh. "I'm gonna go tell Raph. I don't want to hide something else I told you from him again."

Don nods. "Goodnight Lee."

I turn to him as I leave. "Goodnight."

***

Raph didn't really react to what I told him about what really happened so long ago. Except for a growl when I told him I was on the guy's hit list anyway. I can tell he's still more freaked out about the rabies thing.

Everyone else asleep, he and I are out on the couch watching Wolverine since we just borrowed it from April. It's been a long time since we've watched a movie together. We figured, 'what better way to celebrate being together than having a movie night?'

"I'm surprised Mikey isn't finding some excuse to be out here and watching it with us."

He chuckles. "He knows we need this." His eyes lock with mine. "At least, _I_ do."

I smile. "I do too. I've missed you."

He kisses me on the forehead. "I've missed you for a long time."

I sigh. "I know I haven't been myself for a long time."

"You haven't exactly had it easy."

I shrug. "I've never had it easy."

He chuckles. "This is true."

I smile. It's good to have things back to normal.

We're quiet until the movie is over. But as the credits start to roll, Raph takes a deep breath. "What…" he tries again, "Whatever happened to the 'two weeks to live' thing?" His voice is forced.

I try to smile. "I beat it."

He eyes me, the expression clearly saying 'I know there's more to it than that'. "But did you beat_… it_?"

I avoid his eyes. "I don't know."

He frowns. "What do you mean, 'you don't know'?"

"It means she's gone, but I don't know for how long if not forever."

His face softens. "But as long as she's gone, you have no limitation on you life, right?"

I smile. "Right."

His face breaks into the smile only reserved for me, but I haven't seen in a long time. He lets out a breath I have a feeling he's been holding for a week. "Good. That's good. That's awesome." He pulls me closer, giving me a hug. "You are freaking amazing."

I laugh softly. "Glad you think so."

I get comfortable against him as he lays back, draping his arm over my shoulders. He kisses my head. "Love you Lee." The back of his fingers ghost over my cheek.

I smile. It's been a long time since he's done that. "I love you too."

He sighs in content, rubbing his cheek against my head. "Goodnight."


	14. Haunting Memories

**i should have uploaded first kill a long time ago. it comes into play this chapter. so if you haven't read it, you might want to. other than that, i opologize for not updating in a week. that's a new record for me. but here's the next chapter.**

**Ch. 14**

**Haunting Memories**

"What are ya doin' sleeping? It's time to go! C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!" Leave it to Mikey to be the one to wake us up without shame.

I groan, reaching for a pillow. When finding nothing but Raph's arm, I settle for that, pulling it up to drape over my face.

He chuckles under me, standing as he lifts me into his arms. "Don't tell me you're still not in the mood to patrol."

I open my eyes to look up at him. "I've been doing nothing for too long. Count me in."

He grins. "Welcome back."

I grin too. "Care to put me down?"

After he sets me on my feet, it takes no time at all to change and get everything I need. I grab Raph's hand as I head downstairs. I grin at him. "Let's go have some fun."

I see a spark light up in his eyes that I haven't seen in a while. "After you, hotshot."

I wink at him. "You know it."

We're soon on the rooftops, searching for trouble there has been sings of for weeks. There have been numerous reports of murders on the news lately. All in this area. We've been planning on playing 'investigation team' for days. Now that I'm back and the drama is gone, it's time to start. First, we need an outline for the murderer's area and all the information on the victims. Donnie was in charge of that.

"So what's the dealio here Don?" I ask as we all get comfortable on the roof. "How bad is it?"

He tosses me a small screen, tossing one to Leo and Mike too, keeping one for himself. "Raph, share with Lee."

I scoot closer to him as he looks over my shoulder.

Having the lead role here, Don shows us what he knows. "Every dot on the map is the location of the past four murders."

I look at the map he slides onto the screen. "They're all in the surrounding area codes," I comment.

"Exactly." He touches his panel, the map on mine sliding out to reveal a picture of the first victim.

These panels are really cool.

"Angela Mason. Twenty-three, single, just graduated from NYU. She was on her way home from a friend's house. No one knew a thing. They got worried when somone called and she didn't answer her phone. They all checked out clean."

Another picture. "Melanie Bowers. Twenty-one, worked at McDonald's, boyfriend checked out clean, having a perfect alibi. They were going to get married in a few months. His take is very depressing. He was devastated."

Another picture. "Stacy Abbot. Twenty-seven, third grade teacher, and single. Brother was visiting but has a clean alibi. He was with friends that night."

Another picture. "Last one. Leslie Bell. Twenty-six, worked at Olive Garden, had a boyfriend that's out of town, securely checked out on that. She was described as 'quiet' by all of her friends and was on her way home from the library when killed."

He sits back, looking to each one of us. "So what do you notice?"

These girls don't have much in common. But what they do is interesting.

"All girls." Mikey.

"Twenties." Leo.

"All killed at night…" I look through the reports Don hacked in to get, "… the same way. Raped then shot and left in an alley."

"Blonde to light brown hair." Raph's voice is a deep growl.

We all look to him, seeing the way his shoulders are stiff.

He looks up. "We've got a serial killer on our hands."

Don sighs. "You sure?"

Raph's face is hard. "Yeah."

We don't doubt him. Out of all of us, he's the one who knows the mind of criminals. He's got their patterns down pat from years of experience fighting them when going out alone before I came. No doubt strengthened by watching CSI, Criminal Minds, Numbers, and Bones kind of shows with me. It would be stupid of us not to listen to him. He's definitely sure of this.

I scan over every report and description. I easily file all of the information. "Makes sense. Same ages, same hair color, and about the same height. Serial killers always have a type. And a signature death. They were all killed the same way." I look up. "Raph's right."

Leo sighs, looking to Don. "I was hoping you weren't right. That just makes it all the more difficult. Serial killers are smart. It's hard to track them down. That's why this guy's not in jail yet."

"Not necessarily hard to track down," I comment, not looking up from my screen. I highlight an area to show the others and push send. I look up to watch their faces. "All of the deaths are in a circle around this area. As much of a circle as four dots can make anyway. He's working around his home."

"Huh." Mike looks up to me. "Nice."

I grin, turning to Don. "Donnie, can you hack into the police files?"

Don grins up at me. "Already done. Just need to narrow it down to the area."

After a minute, my screen changes. There are one hundred and fifty-nine people with a record in our highlighted area. I sigh, closing my eyes. "This is gonna be tough."

"Narrow these down to charges against women," Raph says, his arm going around me as if to reassure himself that I'm still okay.

In a few seconds, a new result pops up. Eighty-seven people. "We're getting there." I think a minute. "Now how about women in their twenties?"

Forty-eight people.

"If serial killers are so careful and smart, wouldn't they not even be in here?" Mikey asks.

"There's always something in the beginning stages. Something small enough to get let go on in only a few years," Raph answers.

"And it's all we need." I look to Don. "Try from blonde to brunet hair in their victims."

Twenty people.

I nod to myself. "That's better than a hundred. Let's look through them."

Five minutes in, one picture knocks the breath out of me. Suspect number nine. Brenden Taylor. I clench my teeth as a flash of his face runs behind closed eyes. Laughing. Leaning over me after intercepting a kick to his gut and twisting me to the ground. I open my eyes when I feel Raph's hand on my shoulder. I try to conceal the rage inside of me. The guilt. It's my fault he's doing this.

"Lee?"

I scan through the guy's file. What I find makes me sure it's him. Taken in when found waking up from being knocked out in an alley after an anonymous call. (Probably Leo or Don because Raph had me.) When they took him in, he talked of a girl possessed. A blond girl about seventeen, taking out him and his three friends. One was found dead from a stab wound to the stomach.

Brenden was put in jail for attempted rape, not as long as the usual sentence because the call was never proven. The dead man was ruled killed out of self-defense of the victim. Brenden was released two months ago. A little before the deaths started.

"Lee?"

I snap out of my thoughts. "This is him." I send what's on my screen to theirs.

Leo scrutinizes me. "How do you know?"

"Look at the story," I tell him softly.

Raph growls, already done reading over my shoulder. He pulls me to him, his arm tightening around me as I'm pulled against his chest. "Damn, Lee. Why does your past always come back to haunt you?"

"Because my life isn't supposed to be this good," I answer, laying my head against his as it rests on my shoulder.

Leo's head suddenly snaps up to look at me. "Oh my God. It's_ him_?"

I lock eyes with him. "We have a score to settle. You can see that. He hates me. Anyone who looks like me."

Don cuts in. "Lee… don't-"

My look silences him. "Whether he's doing this out of spite or to get my attention, we can't let him keep doing this." I look back to Leo. "Those innocent women don't deserve to die. Not because of me. Enough has happened because of me. I want to make _something_ right."

I look around at the three in front of me. Mike catches my eye. "For once, I think you're right," he murmurs.

All heads snap to him. _"What?"_

He winces at the sharp words of Leo and Don. "This is something she needs to settle. I can see in her eyes… the pain that suddenly showed up when she realized what all this is for. She was happy earlier." He looks back to me. "She's a big girl now. Big girls should settle their own fights." He grins.

I grin back. Leave it to Mikey to try to lighten the mood.

Through the last few minutes, Raph has been silent. Now he talks. "For once… I agree with Mikey."

I stiffen. What? Is he sick? I turn to him. "Say what now?"

He looks me seriously in the eyes. "You've been protected by us for a long time. And each time, you've never felt right afterwards. As if you had a score you never truly took care of. Because we've always done it for you. And I think now is the time where you have to be let go. We have to let you protect yourself."

I'm too choked up to talk. Instead, I squeeze his hand I have in mine.

His mouth turns up into a small smile. "That's what I told myself every day you were at the farmhouse. It was the only way I could stay sane."

I nod in understanding.

He smiles more, putting his hand lightly to my face, pulling me to him. He kisses me, pulling back with an adoring smile. The spark is back in his eyes, lighting them on fire. "You ready to do this hotshot? We'll be right there, ready at your call if you need us or something goes wrong."

I turn to look at the others. I see nothing but support in their eyes. Of course there's fear too, but the support means the most right now. It's what I really need to see. I feel safe. Whether I go alone or not, nothing can hurt me. I have a family I'm going to come back too.

I'm not scared for myself. Heck no. But what I_ am _scared of is… what if the one time they let me do something on my own, something goes wrong? They'll blame themselves. And I don't want that. So… I guess I'll just have to come back.

I look over them all one more time, my gaze stopping on Donnie. "His address."


	15. A fronte praecipitium a tergo lupi

**one bad word if you look at it that way. next chapter won't be far behind.**

**Ch. 15**

**A fronte praecipitium a tergo lupi**

A note tied to a small knife is all it takes to get a message into the guy's house. The note itself? Short, sweet, and to the point.

_We have a score to settle. Meet me on the roof. Now._

I had no idea if he'd even do it. But it was worth a try. Within five minutes, the door to the roof of his apartment complex opens. A quick look through Don's binoculars confirms it's him. Then I'm landing on the edge of the roof, crouched there as we just size each other up.

He finally speaks. "So… I see you got my message."

I stand up, stepping down from the ledge. "You didn't have to kill four girls to get my attention."

He shrugs, then grins. "It was more fun. You've created something totally different than what I was before."

My eyes narrow. I want to just kill him now and get it over with.

He smirks. "So now what? We do a cliché fight to the death match?"

"What do you have in mind?" I say lowly.

His eyes zero in on me. "I was just going to shoot you."

And just like that, I'm shot. I fall to my knees, clutching my stomach as he walks up to me, refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing me gasp for breath. I look right up at him, my face perfectly blank. "Coward."

He smirks down at me. "What? Demon girl doesn't want to play today?"

I grit my teeth. "I didn't mean for that to happen."

He circles me. "Of course not. I could tell it wasn't even you. At least, not the you who's here now."

He really was the most sober that night. He remembers everything. He even noticed the change in behavior. "So why do you want to kill me? I didn't mean to do it."

He kneels down in front of me. "First, because I like what I do now. I like the feeling I get as I watch someone die. I told you. You created a new person. And I really like it. Two? Because the only way to kill _it_ is to kill _you_."

Death has just made it to check. Checkmate can't be far behind. But I'll be damned if I don't fight him.

I stand up slowly, looking into his eyes as I do so. My hand firmly over the bullet hole in my stomach, I reach back and pull out the katana I borrowed from Leo. As he stands up, I take a deep breath. "I don't feel pain. That's a point against you. And as much as I hate to disappoint you, I pushed her away a long time ago. She's not here. You don't need to kill me. She's already dead."

He sneers at me. "I'd rather make sure."

Seeing the gunshot coming helps a lot. I dodge the first one. And the second. The third I block with the katana.

His eyes widen at that. "What _are_ you?"

I don't waver. "A normal girl with way too many quirks. I think they're annoying half the time."

Then he's coming at me. I'm confused as he shoots again, but regret not moving when I find out, though not aiming at me, he had a plan. The katana is knocked out of my hand by the bullet as he leaps into the air. I block his arm with mine, knocking the gun away as I block his foot with my leg, staying on my feet quite well. Until the propulsion, however, knocks me flat on my back.

I kick him off of me, rolling backwards onto my feet. He comes at me again almost instantly. My katana gone, this becomes a fight of hands and fists. He can't get past me, but neither can I get past him. We move across the rooftop, trying our hardest to get past each other. It doesn't happen. The hardest part? Keeping him away from his gun.

Reaching the ten-minute mark in our battle, I start to get the feeling that he's stalling. I get really uneasy. With a sudden kick to his side, he hits the ground, rolling a few feet away. I keep my ready stance, breathing only a little more than usual as he gets up. I keep my hand over my side. "What's the deal here?"

He's breathing much more than I am. "What do you mean?"

"You're stalling. Why?"

As if on queue, the roof becomes filled with people. I can't tell if they're the foot or purple dragons. Maybe a mix of both considering how both leaders have been dealt with by us so many times they have to not have a leader anymore.

Brenden stands right in front of me, grinning as his gun is returned to him. "I want to make sure you die. I also know for a fact that you have friends. I saw them carry you home that night. I didn't see much because of the haze in my mind, but I know enough that they were there. I have a feeling they're not far right now."

I sneer at him, no doubt practically mimicking him from earlier. "Leave my family out of this."

His eyebrows shoot up. "Family?" He laughs. "This is going to be more fun than I thought." He steps back. "Let's see how long it takes for them to show up, shall we?"

Two steps. I roll my eyes. The men taking two steps forward is all it takes for four figures to land in front of me. They don't turn around.

Brenden stares. "What the-"

"Uh, you know what we said earlier Lee? About letting you take care of this on your own?" Mikey says casually.

"_That _was before he cheated," Donnie finishes.

"And you know what we do to cheaters?" Leo asks, implying the inevitable.

Raph throws a pair of sais over his shoulder. I catch them. One red and one black. I smile.

He crouches. I have a very good picture of what his face might look like right now. "We teach them a lesson," he growls. Then he leaps.

Everyone moves at once. I jump in as a few guys come for me. I'm not mad that I'm getting help. I'm relieved actually. There are way too many here for me to handle alone. I _am_ mad though that they got themselves into this. I don't want them getting hurt because of me again.

"_What the heck happened_?!"

I turn to Leo standing next to me, eyes wide, looking at my stomach. I cover it with my arm. "Nothing." I go back to fighting as a new wave comes at me.

"He _shot _you!"

I glare at him when I can. "Not so loud," I hiss. "I'm fine."

Leo growls. "Raph was panicking. I told him you'd be fine."

I sigh. "I _am _fine. Quit worrying. You're here to help, not worry. I can worry on my own if I wanted to."

He groans, but doesn't say anything else.

The numbers dwindle. Eventually I'm able to see between the masses and keep an eye on everyone. I find Brenden. Sometime in the fight, he had lost his gun again. He picks it up as I watch and aims. My eyes search frantically over the roof for the target. I find it. _No!_

I don't know how, but one second I'm fifty feet away, the next, I've planted myself between the gun and Mikey. As the shot echoes around us, I barely feel the impact against my shoulder and the following blood running down my chest. I'm too busy feeling something break inside of me. He was going to shoot _Mikey_. _My_ Mikey. My sweet, loving Mikey.

"_You called?"_

"_No!"_

_Her laugh echoes through my head. "I knew you'd need me again."_

"_I don't need you! I'm better off without you!"_

_We're both suddenly face to face in my room again. My darkest room._

"_You __**do**__ need me. You're not strong enough without me. That's why you call on me in times of danger."_

"_I don't call for you!"_

_She grins. "But you do. I knew it was only a matter of time before you'd need me again. So I waited. And got stronger."_

_Rage surges through me at my own failure to keep her away. "No."_

"_Yes." Then her fist flies towards my face._

_I hit the ground, pain engulfing the entire left side of my face. _

_Her foot presses against my back. "Now watch what I can do." _

I snap. The new blood running down the right side of my chest doesn't even catch my attention as I leap for him. It takes only a second. Two sais. Both through his chest. Then he's falling. I look into his eyes, grinning. "See. Now look what you've done. I'm free again."

_I push myself to my feet. "Now get out of my head."_

"_No."_

_My head whips around to her. It starts to pound. "Yes."_

_Then her hand is around my throat. "I'm not leaving anymore." The hand tightens. "__**You**__ are the one that's going to leave."_

_My fist meets her face. And so the fight begins, her already in the lead._

After his body hits the ground, I'm surrounded.

"So unwise," I hiss. Then I go for them too. It's all too easy. I'm vaguely aware of a conversation taking place only thirty feet away.

"She got shot!" Mike's frantic voice stands out above all noise.

"Where?" Donnie.

"The shoulder I think." His voice shakes.

A low growl. "And she's still fighting."

"Raph… I… I think she's lost it again." Don's voice is soft.

A low growl escalates into a pain filled cry. The sound of sais going into the concrete does not escape my attention.

I grin.

_I'm in pain. She can cause me pain. Every hit I take, I feel more and more like I'm not going to win this. Because I can actually feel the pain she inflicts. And it's three times harder than any other person. I think she broke a rib already._

"_We're running out of bodies," her horrible voice hisses into my ear._

Five more come at me. Then three. Then two. When these two hit the ground, I spin around to find the roof totally empty. Except for the four still standing thirty feet away. As my sights zero in on them and my bloodlust surges through me, two thoughts come into my mind.

_Kill them._

_No! They're your family!_

I take a few steps forward.

_Yes. _

_No!_

Through the haze of confusion, one pair of eyes lock onto mine, creating enough clarity for a word from deep back in my consciousness to escape me. "Run."

_She slams to the ground, flat on her back with my hand around her throat. "Ready to give up yet?" I don't know where the short surge of strength came from, but I'm glad I had it. _

_Her eyes flash. "Never."_

_I find myself flying back, my face on fire. I roll as I hit the ground, stopping in a crouch. I spit out the blood in my mouth as she stalks up to me. I stand up, swinging at her. My fist is caught in hers._

_Her empty one makes contact with my face yet again. As I fall back, she grabs me, slamming me into the wall behind me. She puts my face right up to mine. "Say goodbye."_


	16. Mors ultima linea rerum est

**This one is kind of short, but i felt the need to stop here. The next chapter will be up soon because this one was so short.**

**Ch. 16**

**Mors ultima linea rerum est**

"Mike, Donnie, Leo… leave. Get out of here."

"Raph-"

"I need to take care of this."

"Take care of this? Raph, how-"

"This is something I have to do Leo. Just make sure if I can't do it, that she doesn't get to Donnie and Mikey. She knows their weaknesses best."

"Raph, what are you talking about?"

"Mikey, just go with Leo. Leo get them as far away from here as possible."

The fight inside me keeps me from moving right away. I listen to the exchanges as my confused mind tries to process everything. I watch Leo turn to Don, and both of them look at each other. Then they all turn to leave.

Something snaps loose inside, letting me go.

I leap.

Raph meets me halfway. It's like hitting a brick wall. He meets me with the same strength I go at him with, our weapons interlocking. He bends me backwards, his face barely an inch from mine. There's no hate in his eyes. Just determination and finality. "Lee, stop."

"No." It comes out in a deep growl. Then I shove him back. The strong sense of bloodlust flaring up inside pulls me back to him almost instantly. I go at him again.

As we go, the fight becomes more and more tense. It gets faster, harder, and longer. Kicks, hits, cuts… they're all minimal damage. I use what I know to my advantage, but am still met by resistance. He knows his girl too well. Then I feel my strength surge. I grin, jumping at him.

_Blood runs down my face from a cut in my forehead, courtesy of the wall. I struggle to my hands and knees, but barely get there before a kick to my stomach sends me down again. I can't stop coughing as I struggle to breathe._

_Her laugh echoes around me, the sound sending chills down my spine. "I'm enjoying this. I've already gotten my strength back, and very soon you won't be able to breathe anymore." She chuckles darkly. "And then I'll finally be able to kill your family and whoever else catches my eye."_

_My eyes snap open. My family. Raph._

The shadows around everything get darker as I concentrate on what I want. To kill him. To get him out of my way. I strive to take it. More strength. More speed. Surprise. I laugh as he hits the ground, me kneeling on his chest, sais at his throat. I stare into his eyes. "Ready to die?"

Air. Fresh air. Freedom. I can think again. I blink, my vision clearing. My eyes lock onto his again, looking differently. With fear and love rather than the hate and bloodlust of another mind. "Raph."

He sighs a sigh of relief, putting a hand to my face. "Lee."

I lean into it, albeit only slightly. I can't lose my concentration. I fight the shadows pressing in on me. "I need you to do something for me. What you wanted to know."

_She's bleeding as much as I am now. The fight is wearing her down a lot less than me though. She doesn't seem to tire. This one minute I've gained won't last long. It doesn't. As she comes at me again, it doesn't take much to get me down again._

His eyes widen. "Oh God no."

_Kill him._

His hands close around my wrists as soon as I make a move to stab him in the throat. I curse. He must have seen the change in eye color. I feel my mouth curl up as I push against his resistance, getting closer and closer to his neck despite his strength.

"You're just like _her_. Pathetic. No match for me at all."

His eyes blaze. "She's stronger than you'll ever be."

I laugh.

_A punch to her face gets her down again and I kneel on her back. That's another ten seconds._

Clarity. I can think again. I look to him, not able to pull the arms controlled by her away from him. I look pleadingly into his eyes. "You have to kill me," I breathe. "Straight through the heart." My sentences are coming out without much coherence. But I don't care. I'm glad I can talk at all.

_The cold ground comes up to meet me so fast. There's not much I can do anymore. I can't take this. The impact makes me dizzy. I push myself to my hands and knees, one last attempt to put her down._

"But Lee-"

The haze is back. Confusion. My mind telling myself different things.

_Kill him._

_Back off!_

_Do it. _

_You love him!_

My eyes find his one last time. "Straight through the heart."

_Kill him._

……… _Nothing. Just silence._

Decision made. My blade comes down to kill him.

Suddenly there's no balance. I'm falling. I reach out to catch myself. I try to catch my blance to get back up and kill him. A loud cry. _His cry_, a dieing voice deep inside me identifies before falling silent. Defeated.

Blackness.

***

Her blades to my throat, I can only look into her eyes as she tries to kill me. Though I fight against her, I don't want to hurt her. But she's leaving me no choice. She told me herself. Next time there will be no coming back. And that next time is this time. But... was she right?

"Ready to die?"

No. I can't. Because I can't let a monster like this take over my girl and kill everyone. But… what do I do about it?

Her eyes. They flash blue in an instant. I see the emotion change just as quickly. "Raph." It comes out in a tired sigh. She's fighting all she can in there. I can tell.

I sigh a sigh of relief, putting a hand to her face. She's burning up. But she's here. "Lee."

She leans into my hand the smallest fraction. "I need you to do something for me." Her voice is forced. She's barely holding on. Do what? "What you wanted to know."

My mind flashes back to that argument on the roof. When she told me she was going to die. And she said she'd ask me to do something I wouldn't want to do. Something she didn't want me to think about. Reality hits me. She knew if I thought about it, I wouldn't do it. I look up to her, eyes wide, finally comprehending everything. "Oh God no."

Then her eyes snap back to that horrible orange. I grab her wrists right before the sais in her hands get to my throat. I hate it when I hear her curse. It's not her. I hate it when I see her mouth curl up into a sneer. This isn't my Lee. And this monster has strength to match her evil. She pushes against me. She's going to kill me. But can I bring myself to kill her?

"You're just like _her._ Pathetic. No match for me at all."

I feel fire course through me veins. Oh she did _not _just insult my Lee. "She's stronger than you'll ever be."

She laughs. I hate it. It's not Lee's.

The laugh cuts off with a gasp. Flickering eyes look down to mine. The sais don't pull away. "You have to kill me," she breathes.

No.

"Straight through the heart."

No! "But Lee-"

Her eyes flicker still, yellow winning over her beautiful blue. "Straight through the heart." It comes out choked.

Orange eyes stare down at me. I feel her arms tense. Now is the time. Do I die or kill the one I love, dieing inside as I do so anyway?

As her arms come down, a flash of my brothers being killed by her goes through my mind. Being killed by the one person they trust most. The pain they'd have in their eyes. The confusion. In a split second, I shut myself down. Let instinct take over.

I twist my arm, knocking her off balance as I sit up slightly. One hand slides down her arm as she falls to steal a sai from her and yanks back as my eyes squeeze shut and I cry one last battle cry for her.

"_Straight through the heart."_


	17. Non omnia moriar

**Okay. I seriously tried to think of an alternate ending for those who don't like sad stories. I realy did.**

**But I thought and thought and thought about it and nothing would be believable. I just thought, "well... nothing can get her out of this one."**

**So i'm sorry to those who don't like sad endings. I'm warning you know. But this is the only way i feel closure.**

**And i let a few words from raph slip. because he's upset. it just works.**

**Ch. 17**

**Non omnia moriar**

What does it mean when you kill the one you love and you don't feel anything? Does it mean you didn't love them? Or can you blame it on being numb? I think I'm numb. There's no other way to describe what I'm feeling right now. Or rather, what I'm _not_ feeling right now. I'm just empty. There is no sad. No anger. No depression. Just numb. And I'm starting to wonder if this is all just a dream.

It doesn't seem real. I see time go by. But I don't feel it. I wonder if I'll even care when I come out of this numbness. _If_ I come out. I don't think I want to. Being numb is safe. It doesn't hurt like sad would. It's just… nothing. Numbness can't last forever though. Because as much as I don't care, life goes on.

_Her_ life doesn't though. _Her_ life is over. And I'm the one who took it from her. I killed my girl yesterday. Or the day before. I don't know how long it's been now. I killed her because she wanted me to. She said it was the only way. But I still wonder if something else could have been done. Did she really have to die?

God, I actually killed her. I actually did what I never in my entire life thought I'd do. But now she's dead. And no matter what I want to do, there's no changing that. Even if I could, I still don't know what I would have done anyway. Kill her, or her kill me and everyone else. I wouldn't have cared if it were just me. But it wasn't just me. My brothers and everyone else were in danger too. It was the 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' thing.

I had shut myself down. It was the only way I could have done it. It may be why I don't feel anything now. But that's how I did it. Shut down and let instinct take over. As her sais had come down, I had shoved her away, sliding my hand down her arm to take one of the sais from her hand. Then I had turned it around and pulled back to plunge it into her heart. That's it. It was over in a second.

I had instantly regretted it. I still do. Hell, I would have done it to myself before I would do it to her. But then she would have killed others. And I couldn't let that happen. But there's nothing I wouldn't give to take it back. God, I wish I could take it back. I want her here with me. I _need_ her. I loved her. _So why can't I cry for her?!_

I feel so heartless! What is keeping me from feeling her death? What is keeping me from feeling like I did something horribly wrong? Why is my chest not hurting? How am I okay with all that's happened? I'm not. But I can't feel it. I'm starting to wonder if the numbness will ever go away. If I'll ever be able to feel anything again.

Maybe I'm going back to what I used to be before she came. But worse. I think I'm how I used to act before she showed me that I don't always have to hold in my emotions. But obviously so much worse. Because instead of just not showing my emotions, I don't even feel them. Because I don't feel the need to even have emotions now. Because she's gone.

Before she came, I was alone with myself. There was no one I trusted with my emotions. With the most vulnerable part of me. I kept them inside. And I would lose all of them at once whenever I would get mad. Because I wouldn't be able to hold them in anymore. And the anger stayed to cover up what stayed inside. So I was never happy. I was never content. I was only half full.

And then _she _came. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I saved her that night. But I've never regretted it. Because I found what I thought I'd never have. I ignored it at first. But I couldn't do that forever. I eventually found myself pulled in hook, line, and sinker. I was never able to hold anything in anymore. Because there was no anger to cover it up with. I was whole.

She was the one who was always there when I needed someone to talk to. She always accepted anything I showed her. My pain, my joy, my sadness, even my anger. She never turned me away. And she never let me leave. She was my protection. My happiness. My friend and confidant. And when I was finally brave enough, my love.

And now that she's gone, she's taken all of that with her. I poured everything out to her. And now that she's gone, it's all gone too. I'm empty. I have nothing left because I've given it all away. Given it all to her. And now that the source of my entire life is gone, I have nothing else to feel for. Nothing else to live for. Except my brothers. And they're the only reason I'm still alive right now. That, and I have to take care of one more thing.

None of us look at what's in the middle of us all. But my brothers don't even look at me. I look at them from the corner of my eye every once in a while. I don't blame them. I killed her. Why should they look at me? From my spot in the corner, I can feel the thickness of the air in here. I lean my head against the wall beside me, closing my eyes. It's been a quiet trip. What else could be expected?

"Tell us what happened."

I can tell from the direction of his voice that he hasn't moved. He probably hasn't even opened his eyes. I don't blame him from not even wanting to talk to me. But he wants to know what happened. He does deserve that. "You sure?" Do Mikey and Donnie want to hear how I killed their sister? Do they hate me too?

"Please," Mikey murmurs. I look up to see him looking at me, his blue eyes sparkling.

I look away. I don't like the thought that I caused the pain in his eyes. "We were still fighting long after you left. I told you to go, because I didn't know if I could stop her. She had said that the next time she was taken over, she wouldn't be able to get out. That was then. And I didn't want to take any chances."

I take a quiet, deep breath and continue. "We had fought against each other for the longest time. The… monster inside of her wasn't letting her get through. She… _it _eventually got a burst of strength and jumped at me. I don't know what happened, but I was suddenly on the ground after… a lot of pain." I notice I'm absently rubbing a bruise on my arm. I stop, looking up to them.

Don's eyes are wide. "She did that to you?"

I clench my teeth. "_It_ did this to me."

His face softens. "That's what I meant."

I look away, not wanting to see their faces. "She laughs as I hit the ground, her kneeling on my chest, sais at my throat. She asked me if I was ready to die. Then… her eyes had changed. I could see the real her. Her blue eyes look down to me and she says my name in the most tired sigh I've ever heard from her." I look up to them. "She was fighting. She was burning up. It felt like she had a temperature. She was really fighting hard."

I look down again. "She says she needs me to do something for her. What I wanted to know a week ago." I know Don knows what I'm talking about. "I suddenly realized why she wouldn't tell me. She wanted me to kill her. She said I had to kill her. Straight through the heart."

I pull my knees up to wrap my arms around them. A position that shows weakness. But I don't care right now. "I didn't want to. I didn't want to kill her. I tried to argue with her. But… the demon inside of her pushed her out. And then her eyes were orange again. And she was going to kill me. She brought the sais down to kill me. And I would have let her. I wanted to let her."

"What stopped you?" Donnie is the only one here that I don't feel like he blames me. He knew it was all inevitable.

I look up to him. "You. The thought of her killing you. The person you guys trusted most coming after you. Hunting you down and killing you. I couldn't let that happen." I see Don's eyes water. Mine still don't. "So I let instinct kick in. And I killed her. Knocked her off balance, took a sai, and pulled my arm back for it to hit her in her chest."

I look down again as the memory comes back. Everything fades away. It's just me talking to myself now. Remembering. "She had looked up at me in such shock as I had held her in my arms. But it wasn't her. It was the killer. So I had let myself smile. I had no doubt it was the most sadistic smile I had ever had. But I was happy. She was dead. Then her eyes had faded to blue. And then I realized… shit… she was dead.

"She had smiled at me when mine had faded. She had reached up and touched my face. 'Thank you.' That's what she said. I had stared down at her in shock. She had thanked me for killing her. God, I had killed her. And she was thanking me. 'Don't be sad.' Was I sad? I couldn't feel anything. Maybe she saw it in my eyes. 'Not all of me will die.' What the _hell_ does that mean?

"Then she had laid her head against my chest and sighed. It was a shaky one. I could tell she was in pain. Why she wasn't instantly killed, I will never know." I frown. "Maybe it was like she told me one night. She refused to die. At least until she was done. And she wasn't. Until she told me she loved me. Then her breathing had stopped."

"Are you sure there was no other way?" April asks quietly from the drivers seat, her voice not quite able to keep from shaking. Casey stays quiet. He's probalby feeling like a dad who lost his daughter. They were really close like that.

Sure? Me? "No. I'm not. But _she_ seemed to be. And I've always trusted her. And though I know she thought your lives were worth more than hers, I know that she would have never asked me to kill her unless it was the only way. I know she would never want me to have to do that. But I do know she had no doubt that I was the only one capable."

I look up to Donnie. "Does that mean something Donnie? That I was able to kill her? Does that mean that I'm heartless?"

He looks me in the eyes. "No. That just means that you loved her so much, you wouldn't let what she didn't want to happen, happen."

"Then why do I feel like I should be burned at the stake?"

"Because you loved her." Leo finally turns to me.

"Then why can't I cry for her? All 'real men don't cry' bullshit put away, why can't I cry for her? Real men don't cry for little crap, but they can sure as hell cry for someone they loved. She deserves at least that much."

Mike turns to me now. "You're not ready for it yet. Crying means it's over. You don't want it to be over. You want to keep the feeling that none of this is real."

I look away. He has no idea how much that sounds right. The thickness of the air around me has thinned a little. I no longer feel like they blame me. But I still blame myself. How could I not? I killed her. But I still can't show any emotion for her.

The smooth road cuts off as we turn onto the dirt drive.


	18. Aeternum Vale

**This is the last chapter, but there is an afterward. It's short but i figured if i'm going to end this, i might as well end it good. I hope it makes the end a little less depressing and feel more like it's over.**

**Ch. 18**

**Aeternum vale**

The box in my arms is only slightly heavier than she is. But April said it's the best wood. Lowering it into the ground, I try not to think about my girl being inside it. No one makes a sound as Leo and I step back. I look down into the hole. I don't know who dug it. Maybe Casey did. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. Because she's gone.

Casey picks up the shovel from the ground and starts shoveling the pile of dirt into the hole. As the first shovel full hits, the finality of it all crushes me. I am suddenly frozen, trying to sort my emotions 'till later. To wait until I'm alone. I can only watch numbly as the hole is filled. When it's finally done, Casey steps back too, tossing the shovel to the ground as if it were burning him.

April goes up first. Of course she'd be the strong one. She's always tried to be strong for us. I've never been more grateful than now. As I watch her kneel before the pile of dirt, I have to fight back the sadness I feel breaking through my wall of numbness. I only watch as she places a small group of flowers onto the dirt pile.

She only says three words. "We'll miss you." I don't think Lee would have any problem with that. Those two always spoke to each other with few words. Understanding wasn't voiced between them. It was just there. I was always frustrated when they talked like that. I never got all of the information.

Casey steps up beside her as she stands, putting an arm around her. He rubs the back of his neck, sighing. "You were strong enough to realize that the right thing to do was die. No one could ever be as strong as you. But I can only hope my daughter can be right under you."

I clench my teeth. News of April's pregnancy had made Lee ecstatic. She wanted to be an aunt so bad. Her death had come only three months too soon. I watch April and Casey walk back to stand behind us, looking at the way April rests a hand on her growing stomach. I will tell her of Lee. The aunt she will never know.

Donnie is stepping up. He's had the most time to prepare. But does that make it easier? Or does it mean that he's just had a longer span of time to let some of it out? He reaches out to take a hand of the dirt. He lets it go through his fingers. "Thanks for all your help Lee. And I can only hope you know how much you meant to us."

Does she know? Does she know how painfully we loved her? There are no words that can possibly describe it all. But she had to know, right? We told her all the time. She has to know that there was no person in the world that was loved more than she was by us.

"We let you take charge too late. I have no doubt you would have handled it well if you were yourself and he had not cheated." A short, bitter laugh. "You never did have much luck with cheaters." Leo steps back, turning to Mikey.

He shakes his head, his blue eyes sparkling with tears he's refusing to shed.

Don turns to him. "You sure?"

Mike nods. "She knows," he gets out.

My turn. I thought I'd feel… different. I don't know what. But everything seems to fade away as I take the few steps to the mound of dirt, covering what I once, and will always, treasure. I don't even mean to, but I fall to my knees. Then I just sit here. I don't need to talk. We never had to talk to tell each other what we felt. Just looking into each other's eyes was enough.

Though I can't look into her eyes, I feel as if just sitting here is what I should do. So I do it. I sit here, and remember everything. The past eight years go buy in my head. I swear I remember every day. Every minute. Every breath she took and every smile directed at me.

I remember every laugh, every touch, every whisper only meant for me. I remember everything she ever told me. I remember everything we ever went through together. I remember it all. And when I finally get to her last breath, I think… this is what it must have been like for her. To remember everything that ever happened. And I think… how much it would make me happy to always remember everything. But how was I doing it?

I finally come back to myself as the sun is setting. I look behind me to see that everyone had left, probably a long time ago. I turn to her… grave (the word gets caught in my mind)… at the base of the willow tree she always sat at when she would read every time we were taking a vacation out here. The tree she would sit under as she watched us train before she joined us. The tree I turned to and was met by a smile so many times.

I put the stone next to the mound of dirt onto the dirt, at the head where the dirt meets the base of the tree. Then I look at the tree. No headstone because this wasn't a graveyard and it wouldn't fit, but what about… I take out my sai, and start carving into the trunk of the tree. Her name. I take the longest time on the beautiful cursive L she would always sign her name with. I keep digging until I'm sure it won't be looked over. Then I stand up.

I turn to a path and start walking. The sun is almost set now, but I don't care. My brothers will probably worry, but April will keep them inside. She'll know I need this alone time. This time to go say goodbye in the place that I know she'll always be a part of. Because she and I were the only ones who came here. The only ones who knew it was here.

I walk into the clearing around the pond. At the sight that meets me, I fall to my knees. Something is sparkling, hanging from a tiny branch growing out of the right tree holding the head of the hammock. I only need a second to identify the object. Something I didn't even notice was missing until now. Her necklace.

I fall forward, catching myself with my hands, digging them into the ground as all of the pain, sadness, and anger finally breaks down my wall of numbness. I feel myself shake under the weight of it all, falling down to my elbows as wracking sobs start ripping out of my chest. My hands clench beside my head as it touches the ground.

She knew. She knew it wouldn't be much longer. She had hoped for more. But she knew all the same. Even before she said she was coming home. She knew that the chance of it coming back was high. So she left her necklace here. In the place she knew I would finally let it all out. To provoke me into doing so. Because she knew I wouldn't let it go anywhere else.

She always knew me better than she knew herself. And even when her life was going to end, she was thinking of me. She left something that would mean so much to me in the place that will forever be just ours. How I didn't notice she didn't have it doesn't matter right now. All that matters is that she loved me. And I loved her.

With that realization, I'm finally able to lift my head. That's all that matters. That I loved her. And she loved me. I should have had more time. I should have been able to have her for longer. But since I didn't, all that matters is that I didn't waste it. I didn't ignore my feelings and not tell her I loved her. I did tell her. And she loved me back. And we were together for five years.

Oh my God. Five years. That's all we got. Why? Why did it happen that way? I look up to the tree. My eyes lock onto the necklace, hanging on the tiny new branch. As always, she has a reason for everything. How I understand it all is what has always made me happy. I'm glad I understand this.

"This is only the beginning."

My head whips to my right. Standing there is my girl. But I know it isn't really her. I understand what she said before now. Not all of her will die. But… how is this possible? Why is she here? "Only the beginning?" I ask as I sit up to kneeling on my knees. My voice comes out in a rasp, raw from the sobs that barely hide beneath the surface now.

She smiles a sad smile. "Your new life without me will go only how you choose it to. I know it hurts. I experienced it too, remember? But… you have a life to live still. People to save. There's a reason for everything."

"What's the reason for _this_? Why did you have to die?! I _need_ you Lee! How am I supposed to do whatever I'm supposed to do without you?!" The tears come again. But I don't care. I have never hidden them from my Lee.

She comes to kneel in front of me, her hand lifting my head, feeling as real as she looks. Her pain filled eyes dig into mine. "I know it hurts Raph. But you have to get through this. For your brothers, and anyone else who may need you. Your life isn't finished yet."

I squeeze my eyes shut, looking away as I grit my teeth.

She hugs me. She pulls me tight to her, holding on to me as if she never wants to let go. "I don't want to go. I don't want to leave you. But I have to. I love you Raph. I'll always listen to you. I'll hear you when you need me. You won't see me again, but if you keep aware, you may feel me. I'll be there. I promise."

"Promise?" I choke out.

"Cross my heart and hope you live."

I laugh a short bitter laugh. "Why? I'd see you again."

She leans back to look at me, her small smile telling me the answer before she says it. "I'll never want to see you die."

I sigh. "You're such a hypocrite."

She smiles for real now. "I am, aren't I?" It turns into a soft grin. "By the way, you remembered everything so well because I asked a favor. You'll remember anything of me you want whenever you want. I promise, you will never feel like I'm gone."

This information given, I just look at her. Taking in her beauty one last time. Her beautiful blue eyes, sparkling more than ever. Her smile. Her beautiful blonde hair, shining more than it ever has before. Her glowing complexion. Her. Just her. My Lee. My Angel. I pull her into one last hug. "I'll love you forever, Lee."

"I love you too," she murmurs. She hugs me so tight, I feel as if the circulation in my arms would be cut off. "I will never leave you. You hear me. I will always be there. I don't want you accusing me of not being there for you one day when you're too mad to calm down enough to feel me."

I laugh now. A real laugh. A sad laugh. The tears come again. "I'll try not to." I hold her tighter for a moment. "I'll try." When I feel her arms loosen, I reluctantly let go too. I watch her as she stands up and turns to walk away. Her hands balled up into fists at her side do not escape my notice.

She turns suddenly, just when I think she'll just walk away without saying anything else. Her face is pained. It hurts me to look at it. A hurting angel isn't a sight anyone can really stand. But it only lasts a second. She composes it into a crooked grin, but I know it takes a lot of effort to do that. "Remember to keep your heart open."

"Never gonna happen, Lee."

She laughs, the sound lifting my heart from the pit it was sitting in. I savor the laugh. It's too short for my liking. "I know. But trust me. Any girl who loves you will be the smartest girl in the world."

I smile now. "Too bad I'm taken."

She rolls her eyes. "Take away the technicalities and what do you get?"

I only smile, shaking my head. We both know for a fact that whether dead or alive, neither one of us want to see me with another girl. It's never going to happen. And we both know it.

She smiles back. Then she slowly turns to walk away. I watch as she walks into the trees, disappearing. My smile fades. Left alone now, my happiness begins to be swallowed by my pain.

"_What did I say about not being alone?!"_

The sound is distant and feels more like it's in my head than in the air, but I let myself feel out around me enough to feel her closer than I thought possible. "Sorry," I whisper.

Her laugh replies before fading. I hear nothing else.

I slowly pick myself up and dive into the pond. I pull myself up onto the island, walking over and taking the necklace from the tree. I look at it. The ring. The pendant. Both things I gave her that she never went a moment without. And now I'll do the same. I put it around my neck, resolving to find a way to make sure it will never get lost or broken. Then I lay down in the hammock, looking up at the stars for the rest of the night, thinking of her and remembering all the nights we spent out here together.


	19. Afterward

**This is it. Short and sweet ending. Thanks to everyone who's followed this series. If i'll start a different one is yet to be decided.**

**Afterward**

**Haec olim meminisse ivvabit**

**Twenty years later**

"I never understood how much you loved her and how amazing she was when I was little. And even as I got older, it was very vague. But now, I know what it must have been like. To love someone so much. And how amazing she had to be to do all the things she did. Especially willing to die for you all. So many times. She really was amazing."

She looks at me, and I smile at her. I knew she didn't understand when she was little. It was just a bunch of fantastic stories. And when she got older, it was just another love story. But know that she has grown enough to understand what love is and found a man to love herself, she knows exactly what I mean when I say I loved her like I will never love anyone else.

"How do you do it? I love Jared. It isn't special like you and Lee had, but I feel like it's getting to the point that I don't ever want to leave him. How do you get through your day knowing that your girl is… gone? It just seems incredible to me."

I chuckle. "Trust me. It was a nightmare at first. I hurt all the time. You can ask my brothers. I was probably a horrible person to live with. And it only got a little bit easier. But what changed was that I thought about it one day, realizing that no matter what I feel or do, it's not going to change. So I might as well try to be happy with what I have until I get to see her again."

"Are you happy?" Her green eyes stare curiously at me, her head tilted.

I look out across the front yard of the farmhouse. I remember the times we had sat up here on this roof together. I remember all the times we talked out here. At night and during the day. And I remember what she had said to me. _I will never leave you._

I smile a small smile. "I'm not as happy as I used to be. But she's with me. I may not see her or hear her anymore, but I can feel her around me. I'm as happy as I can be without her."

"I wish I could have seen you like that."

I laugh. "Trust me. I still started fights. Maybe not as often, but I did."

She laughs too. "No. Not because of your… attitude. To see you smile."

I turn to her now.

She meets my surprised stare head on with a smile. It turns into a grin. "Too bad I love Jared, I'm too young for you, and you're taken. She was lucky."

I grin back. "Had a crush on me once, huh?"

She laughs. "I had a crush on each of you once. But I think yours lasted longest."

"Be glad I'm nice and I won't tell my brothers' girls."

She stands up now. "You better not. Though I think since they're girls they'll understand."

I chuckle. "Maybe." I listen to her walk away, my eyes turning to the path heading into the woods. After a second, I jump down from the roof. I hear my brothers and their girls inside, April barking orders, probably getting ready to eat. I'm sure April will understand why I won't be there. Thanksgiving is something I should spend with my girl in our place. Because as cliché as it sounds, I'm thankful for the time we had together. I'll eat later.

I head down the path. A lot has changed in the years since I've walked this path with her. My brothers each found girls of their own within the span of a year about a year after Lee died. The love I see in their eyes hurts every day. But I know that even though my love for Lee is something that will never stop hurting, that just shows what I had while I had it. I also know that I can wait only a little longer till I see her again. Besides, it's their turn now.

I stop at her grave, kissing my hand and touching it to her name still carved into the tree. Then I move on. I stop just inside the clearing, sitting down against a tree to take it all in rather than be in the middle of it. I touch the necklace around my neck.

A month after we got back from her burial at the farmhouse, I had finally gotten myself together enough to make a chain with Donnie's help. It's a regular ball chain like the army uses for dogtags, but made out of steel. Don't ask. It was hard to do. But it's done what I want. I've been slashed across the neck at least five times since she's died, and it hasn't broken.

I close my eyes now and let myself feel out around me as I lean my head back against the tree. It's only a second before a presence I desperately wish was stronger and more tangible touches mine. And I sigh as a genuinely happy smile spreads across my face. "Love you Lee."


End file.
